Aspirations

I've always been that person who has never really done extraordinary. I've just kind of flowed through like doing my thing, not really standing out but not really fitting in either. I've never been one to have big dreams or aspirations, I've been content with things the way they are.

Well, that is all about to change.

These last four months I have been pretty dedicated to nutrition and fitness. I've been seeing and experiencing some pretty killer results thus far. I decided at the beginning of the year I was wanting to compete in a figure competition in the winter or spring of 2016.

Today, I changed my mind and decided to shoot for September 2015.

I posted on Facebook about my decision to pick this date. I was stoked on life! Once I pressed "POST", I nearly shit a brick. This is a HUGE commitment. And I just let everyone know about it. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Immediately I started having doubts. What if I'm not ready in time? What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

I finally got my head on straight after talking to a few close friends and my mom (who are all SO excited for me). I got this! I'm shooting for the stars, but I'm already half way there! Plus, I've got a solid 6 months (24 weeks) until the competition to get my nutrition and workout routines nailed down so I don't have to rush things. I've got such a great momentum going right now, and I just have to roll with it!

I have such HUGE support system right now and I am so grateful for everyone who believes in me!

For the next 12 weeks I am going to focus on cutting my body fat and leaning out to see what areas I need to focus on more for the following 12 weeks after that.

I barely have an idea of what I am getting myself into, but I can't wait!!



This photo was taken last week (3/3/15), I'll add more progress photos as I go on.
(Ignore my no make-up, just out of the shower look...)

Living With Loss

At some point in your life, you're going to lose someone close to you. It sucks to say, but it's inevitable. Death is inevitable and natural, just as natural as birth. It is the one guaranteed event that everyone will eventually experience in their life. Does knowing that it's guaranteed make it easier to deal with? Absolutely not. And everyone copes differently. There is no rule book, no guidelines how to live with it, you just endure it.

I don't blog about this much, but I've been thinking about my first husband a lot lately. I talk about him all the time, but last night while laying in bed struggling to fall asleep, it hit me: I miss him. I haven't had that realization in a long time. I know that I have felt the feeling of missing him, but I hadn't acknowledged that feeling. Having remarried and Crete a new life, I think I have subconsciously suppressed that feeling for fear of feeling "unfaithful" for the lack of a better word. I know that my husband now is so selfless and listens to my stories about Tyler without complaining. He never shows any signs of jealousy when I talk about him or when I come across something of his or old photos. His attitude on the whole circumstance is beyond his years. He understand that I still love Tyler, but he also knows that I love him, and he's comfortable with that, and I am so incredibly grateful for.

I don't know how to explain feeling "unfaithful" to Jake for missing Tyler. It's not really unfaithful, I think it just feels uncomfortable. Would I trade one for the other? No, because that's not possible and I know that. I don't dwell on "what ifs" because they're pointless and just fairy tales. 

So if I have any readers who have experienced the loss of a significant other, rest assured that moving on is not a sign of forgetting or discounting your past. It's okay to move on and find happiness for yourself. It's okay to miss your lost loved one if you're in a new relationship. I wish someone would have told me that, having been a 21 year old widow. I had no idea how to deal with those feelings. I put so much pressure on myself to move on when I was ready and do things for myself, that I basically gave everyone (family and friends) 'the finger' and did what I thought was right. I suppressed emotions and feelings I should have faced head on. I rebounded too quickly, I hurt myself and others. I wish I would have slowed down, but if I would have, would I be where I am now? Who knows? I sure don't, and I don't want to find out.

I lost Tyler 5 years ago this July, and even though I've been remarried for 3 years this July and I have two beautiful baby boys, that's loss still stings daily, and I'm at peace with that sting. It makes me feel real. It reminds me that in still alive and that I'm capable of feeling. It makes me so much more grateful for each moment I have with my boys and with Jake. That sting keeps me grounded and rational. My relationship with reality is grounded. I am grounded. And it feels so right.

New Year, New Post

Resolutions are a funny thing. Everyone makes them whether you call them "resolutions" or not. 

I've been thinking about some things I would like to accomplish this year. I decided to set goals that are attainable, and that will help me become a better person overall. Yeah, I'd like to lose weight or be healthier, but I'm working on making that a lifetime habit, so that didn't make the list. Below are a few things I plan on "resolutioning" throughout the year:

1. Read more (at least one novel a month). I honestly cannot remember the last time I even picked up a book, and I'm ashamed of that. Starting next week, I'm heading down to my local library, setting up a library card and hitting the books!

2. Listen more, speak less.

I always have something to say, and it really bothers me. I've inherited my dad's communication skills which is not a bad thing! But I feel that I can learn so much more by just listening rather than talking.

3. Capture more memories (take more photos).

I dusted off my camera close to the end of last year and actually started using it more. I need to do that year round. Book a few photo shoots for those that want them, and just capture the day to day moments that happen under my own roof that are easily forgettable. And starting some physical photo albums wouldn't be a bad idea either.

4. Purge the clutter!

Lately I've been in the habit of getting rid of things that we haven't used in the last year. I need to keep doing this, because it's amazing how much crap you accumulate without realizing it! And seeing how we live in a 900 sq/ft house, any extra space we can spare is crucial!

5. Slow down!

I have such a bad habit of rushing through my days and stressing out over time. Time is valuable. I need to slow down and take in every minute of very day that I can.

6. Be the employee that I would hire.

I find it appropriate to have a work related goal. I'm not saying that I'm not that way now, but I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I know what I need to work on, and my goal is to improve those weaknesses as much as possible.

7. Fall in love with my husband everyday.

It's so easy to lose that "loving feeling" after being married for a few years and having a couple of kids. We celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in July. It's easy to put your spouse on the back burner and put kids first. I'm working on this forever.

8. Increase optimism.

It's really easy to get caught up in the news and all of the negative shit happening in the world. I hate that! There is just as much positivity as there is negativity happening in this world. I hope to focus on the happy moments more so this year (and every year).

9. BLOG MORE! ----duh!

This is all I've come up with for now. I'm sure I'll think of more later, but I hope good things come to all of you in 2015!

xo

Changes

CHANGE / verb (used without object), changed, changing.

to become different.

Change is something we can’t always control. I actually like change more so than not. Obviously depending on the circumstance will determine how exactly I embrace the change, but sometimes it can lead to something exciting. Whether that “excitement” comes short term or long term, you always have to look at the bigger picture.

There are a few changes happening in the Smith household. All for the better, all exciting in their own way.

Baby V is not so much of a “baby” anymore. The last few weeks he has been walking like crazy. I love the little “baby step stomps” as the try to maneuver around. And trying to watch him balance his oversized noggin is quite entertaining.

ALSO: V turns ONE in a month. WHERE DID THIS YEAR GO? (Insert crying emoticon face)

Caige is talking like crazy. He currently loves apples, cookies, and anything dinosaurs. He knows his ABC’s, colors, shapes, and numbers 1-10. Potty training is still a battle (go figure). And this little stink is going to be THREE in February. WOAH.

Jake just started a new job! He is currently working at the sugar beet factory. It’s an insane schedule right now, working upwards of 4 – 12 hour shifts, rotating from days to nights. It’s going to be hell until February, but it will be worth it in the long run. My dad has worked for this company for the last 10 years, and I have no doubts this change will be for the better.

As for myself, I have a bit of a job change as well! I’ve been with a property management company for almost the last three years. I started off as a Showing Agent, showing our available rentals and what not, and then while I was pregnant with V, I was transferred into the Leasing department, where I processed tenancy applications and signed leases. As of October 1^st, I am now a part of the Maintenance Team as a Maintenance Coordinator. It’s definitely different from everything I have done before, but it’s a good change, and it keeps me learning all the different aspects of my job.  

The biggest change for our family recently has probably been my parents and some of my siblings decision to re-join the LDS church. This has been kind of a sensitive subject for me. It is a decision that they made based on what they believe is best for them. I am supportive of their decision, but I will not be joining them. I’ve been there and I know that it is not for me. My beliefs are my own, but I have no desire or need to participate in organized religion, which I firmly do not believe in.

Religion is such a touchy subject with just about everyone. Where I am at in my life, I do not know about a lot of things, and I probably won’t. Call me ignorant, but I am not going to actively pursue trying to “know” when there is no physical evidence of such, and I am completely content with not knowing. I don’t have to know, and that’s okay! But I can’t live blindly on faith. Kudos to those who can, I applaud you. But after having my own experiences, I can’t and won’t do it. I’ve invested time and energy into faith in the past, and now I and devoting that time and energy into my family and into just finding my own happiness.

I’m sure there are people who were hoping I would be there right along with my parents, getting re-baptized and becoming a member again.  I’m not sorry to say that it’s not going to happen, and I don’t anticipate that it ever will. I’m sorry those people feel disappointed, but I’m not sorry for my decision. It’s hard to not sound stubborn and say “and that’s the way it’s going to be” or “it’s my choice, and that’s that”, but that’s exactly how it is.

Closure

As you read this post, please keep an open mind. You may believe the experience I am about to share with you, or you may be a complete skeptic. Whatever your thoughts or feelings are, they are fine and justifiable. Just please know that my experience is my own, and the peace I found through this has been a long time coming, whether it is reality or completely left up to interpretation or my imagination, I will hold this close to my heart forever.

Last night my parents and I had the incredible opportunity to participate in a group reading with a Medium. I have always loved the idea of someone being able to communicate with someone who has passed on and answer questions we never thought we'd get answers to. But at the same time, it's hard to wrap my head around the idea of it. The idea is beautiful. It can give hope, comfort, and closure. But it can also procure more grief, sadness, and longing of a loved one. Let me explain...

I like to take situations like this with a grain of salt. My belief as far as the "afterlife" is somewhere along the lines of "I honestly don't know how to feel, but the idea is beautiful". I don't believe in a Heaven or a Hell per say, but I don't believe we cease to exist. I think the human energy is too powerful to just dissolve into nothingness once your heart stops beating, but I don't believe we become magical angels or heavenly beings. It's hard for me to even produce a sound theory because I don't know, and I hate assumptions. I think our individual thoughts on afterlife are what feels good to us, because lets be honest, no one wants to stop existing.

Ok, let's continue: My parents and I sat in a group of about 14 people last night with the Medium. I went in with an open mind. I tried not to be skeptical or critical, but I had questions. I didn't want to go in expecting to connect with loved ones who have passed on, but it's hard not to hope!

The Medium started out the session by spritzing some essential oils into the air to heighten senses, and create more of a positive energy through aromatherapy. The oils she had concocted were calming scents. She had us meditate for a minute, and try to center our thoughts and think about which of the loved ones we wanted to communicate with. I could think of two. One of which I was actually scared to come forward. I'll explain why later.

Everyone in the room had loved ones come through, so we all had our own personal reading, which was fun. It was awesome to see everyone get excited and emotional. The aura in the room was very comforting and one of peace. That feeling was intoxicating. I don't remember everything that everyone else experienced, I was too focused on my own experience.

My parents and I had more loved ones come through for us than we thought we were going to. The medium said that they tend to "piggy-back" on each other, one will come forward, then another one, and sometimes more and more can come forward. And sometimes ones who come forward first are one's who's deaths weren't as much of a hardship, so their presence is a "cushion" before someone else comes forward who's death was no so easy to cope with. The first person who came forward wasn't a family member of ours at all. She was actually a very good high school friend's mom who passed away from breast cancer almost 4 years ago. She was almost like a second mom to me during those years. After she came forward, my great grandmother presented herself and had some words for my mom that were very comforting to her, and things were said that my parents needed to hear. My great grandma spoke of Daniel, then the tears began to flow.

Daniel came forward. Things that were said seemed a little generic at first, but the way that the messages were relayed, they seemed so fitting to his personality. At one point, the Medium told us that he kept telling her how "handsome he is". We all laughed. He used to joke about how "hot" and "sexy" he thought he was. We knew it was him. The Medium at one point looked at my dad and said "He says he misses you too." Every day my dad talks to Daniel and tells him that he misses him. The Medium explained that Daniel can hear everything we say to him. Whether it be vocally or in our mind, he can hear our thoughts and he is trying to communicate with us as well, if we just listen.

The Medium turned and looked as me and asked me about the tattoo I was planning on getting in Daniel's memory. Goosebumps. She said he loves the idea of my memorializing him in that way. And he thinks my tattoo idea is, and I quote: "bad ass". Not a doubt in my mind that he would use that exact word. Not in front of my mom of course, but he would tell me that in secret if he could. A few more things were shared from Daniel, and then my grandpa came forward for my dad. Some things were shared from him that I feel my dad needed to hear.

More people came through for others in the room after that. The one person who I wanted to come forward, but also worried about, was Tyler, my first husband. But he hadn't yet. 

I wasn't scared of him, I was scared he was disappointed in me. I have changed so much since his passing, I've made some decisions he may not approve of, and my biggest fear was that he would come forward and just let me have it. But he didn't come forward. Not yet.

The timer went off for the session to end, and the Medium asked if anyone had any questions. My mom raised her hand, and asked if she could sense who Daniel was with, if there was someone else besides the family who had already come forward. The Medium closed her eyes for a few moments and focused. She stated that she felt a male presence. She said he's not very old, he's family, but not a blood relative. She asked if he was like an uncle or a cousin. My dad explained that he was my first husband. She almost looked like she was in shock. She asked if we had been divorced before his passing, I said "no, we were very much married". She apologized for me having to go through that, then focused again. She said that his personality is funny, almost inappropriate (typical Tyler). She said that my marriage to Tyler is completely different than my marriage to Jake. From my interpretation of what she explained, it sounded like she said my marriage to Tyler was more of a goofy, friendly type relationship, and that my marriage with Jake is more of a romance, true love marriage, which is in fact correct. Tyler and I were in love, but it was different than the love Jake and I share. She stated that I had hesitations about getting re-married, which I definitely did. I had no hesitations about marrying Jake, I had hesitations of being 23 and being on my second marriage. I feared the judgments people would have because of it. I feared Tyler would think I moved on too quickly, but she explained that he is completely supportive, and that he still loves me. She asked if I have a son, or sons. I explained that Jake and I have two boys. She said that Tyler watches over the boys and protects them as if they were his own. She also said she saw an image of Jake and I laying in bed, and Tyler snuggling in between us, which made me laugh. That's so Tyler. No boundaries, but I also take that as a symbolism that he feels comfortable maintaining a presence in my life, which I want and need.

After the session was complete, I felt overwhelming peace and comfort. I found my closure, and I feel like my parents found a similar peace. Maybe not as strong as what I felt, but I think they found a good measure of comfort from this experience and hope that they are a little stronger and felt a sense of healing like I did.

Dear Pinterest

Dear Pinterest,

I LOVE YOU! But what girl doesn't, right? We can spend COUNTLESS hours dreaming of our Shabby-Chic weddings, planning our babies nurseries, and finding the most beautiful (and difficult) desserts to serve at the next pot-luck we go to. We pin hair styles we may never achieve, homes we may never own, and dream of places we may never see. We obsess over fit bodies we may never have, clothes we may never own, and crafts that (to be completely honest), we may never master or even attempt.

You are an addiction. Somedays I find myself obsessing over what crafts I’d like to do, how to make my home, my meals (basically MY LIFE) worthy of being pinned by thousands of your followers , and of course, documenting the evidence on Instagram for the world to see how I am the best mom/wife/crafter ever. EVER.

I’ve realized lately, that you are ruining the modern woman. It sets standards entirely too high for house wives, stay-at-home moms and even working moms. It puts us in competition against each other to see how we can be craftier, cleaner, more chic and more “all natural” than each other. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Just because some have more time to make elaborate Pinterest-worthy meals and make your home look like Santa Claus himself vomited the entirety of Christmas Spirit all over your home come the day after Thanksgiving, doesn’t mean they’re a better mom or wife than I am with my cheap Wal-Mart fake ‘Charlie Brown’ tree and Dollar Store ornaments. I know that those who live the life of Pinterest luxury don’t intentionally try to make those of us who don’t, feel small or unworthy. It just happens. But I’m here to stand up for them, saying “don’t feel oppressed, depressed, or whatever “pressed” you can think of. You’re just a strong of a woman, mom, wife, (or man!) as everyone else. Be you. If you have dinner on your table every night, if you sleep comfortably in your bed, and have clothes in your closet, you’re good enough. If you have children and you love them, feed them, and teach them as they grow, you’re good enough. We don’t have to DIY the hell out of every measly little detail of our lives just because ‘Pinterest’ says so.

I've also realized, that due to your ability to create unattainable dreams, you can make one forget to appreciate what we already have. This isn't okay either. I love my simple life, and you are not going to make me forget that. My home tends to be a little cluttered due to my children, my homemade meals are often simple (but super tasty), and my free time can appear lack-luster to some, either spent at the gym or at home with my husband and kids, often playing outside/or inside with Netflix streaming in the background.

So, my dear, Pinterest. I am breaking up with you. 

It’s not me, it’s you. 

XO,
April 

Marriage Survival

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of blog posts and articles floating around with 10 Things He (or She) Needs in a Relationship or How to Be Happy in Marriage, blah blah blah. While parts of those posts are nice and are pretty relevant, there's a lot more to it than just those tips. And I feel like a lot of those "lists" or "do's and don't's" are just a load of crap. Not every piece of advice is going to work for each couple.

First off, the majority of those lists are religious based, which is totally fine, but what about those of us who don't have a religious affiliation or don't believe in a high power? Are our marriages doomed? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Of course, having no affiliation is something that definitely needs to be agreed upon prior to saying the big "I do's".


Ok, with that out of the way, here's what works for me and Jacob. Yes, I know we have been married for barely two years, but our marriage is easy. The way it should be.


1. Make friends with each other's friends, and hang out with them!
This is a pretty big deal. It's so easy to get married and then board yourself up in your little "Newlywed" bubble and completely shut out your friends. I understand that sometimes it is tough finding the time to hang out with friends (especially if you have little ones like we do), but it's important to maintain those friendships outside of your marriage too.

2. You don't have to be with your partner every second, of every minute of free time you have.

I can't stress this enough. Yes, you're married. Yes, you wake up next to each other every day. But no, you don't have to be with them every single second of every single day. Both of you need your own personal time to develop and to maintain a sense of individuality. I think a lot of people "lose themselves" in their relationships. It happens more often than not, but you need alone time too, and so does your partner. Whether it's just going to the gym for an hour a day, a dinner out with girl friends (or guy friends for you husbands), you both need that. And your friends need you too.


3. It's okay to be upset, and if you are, fight fair. AND ALWAYS APOLOGIZE.
Jacob and I have never had a "fight". We've never come to blows or yelled at each other. BUT, we do have days where we get upset with each other. It's completely healthy to have bad or off days in a marriage or relationship, but know where you stand, and try to express your frustration without being offensive or attacking. Everyone has their own fighting style. Jacob and I tell each other when we're having a bad day, and if we feel like talking or venting, we do that. If we need a break, we give each other that space until we've cooled off. Don't let your ego get the best of you. If you know you're wrong, admit it. If you're being an asshole, just apologize. I have days where I'm feisty and I can't help but be short with every response. It's normal. Just be sure to always apologize when you're at fault.
My first husband and I fought a lot, and we were good at it. We took cheap shots, hurt each other's feelings (more often than not), said things we regretted, and it sucked. I hated it. I hate fighting, it's just not in my nature, but it was just one of the only ways I could communicate with him. Unfortunately our marriage ended due to him passing from health problems, but if that wouldn't have happened, I can honestly say I don't think things would have lasted because of that. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. But really, if you're going to fight, do it fairly, okay?

4. What happens in your relationship, STAYS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Social media is ruining the sanctity of marriages left and right. I cannot tell you how much I HATE seeing couples bash each other publicly. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I'm a firm believer that no one needs to know if you and your significant other are fighting. And it ESPECIALLY does not need to be posted on Facebook. If you have an issue with them, TALK TO THEM. I also believe that you and your significant other's sex life is personal. That doesn't need to be on Facebook either, and doesn't need to be a topic of discussion. The only time I really discuss anything regarding my sex life is with CLOSE girlfriends, and it's usually just asking questions, because to be honest, I'm hardly experienced. I'm not afraid to admit that, and I'm still learning things, and sometimes it's just easier to ask a girl. Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it at one point or another, everyone wants it at one point or another, but it doesn't need to be advertised.

5. Don't stop dating!
I see dating/courting as a tip on a lot of marriage articles, and yes I AGREE! Go on dates, as often as you can! Dates don't have to be expensive or fancy. For me, Jacob and I carpool to/from work every day. This is alone time we get away from the kids, that we wouldn't get otherwise. Sometimes, we like to get fancy and get gas station coffee (for a whopping $3!) on the way (if we're not late...). We cuddle and watch netflix after the kids go to bed. Actually, one of our favorite date nights is at home. Every Friday night, after work I go to the gym, and on my way home I stop and get a Little Caesar's pizza and a Redbox movie, and we watch the movie after the boys go to bed. It's cheap, it's easy, we don't have to find a babysitter, and it's something that we look forward to almost every week. Once in a while we will actually get a real "date night" out. We tend to go to local shows and get drinks with friends. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, we definitely don't take that time for granted.

6. Be your partner's biggest fan!
I think this is mine and Jacob's strongest attribute. We support each other in all of our individual endeavors! Example: his band. I try to go to as many shows as I possibly can, and I always enjoy watching them play. Seeing how they have developed and improved over the last few years is so amazing, I'm so proud of them! He also cheers me on in whatever thing I seek out. Lately it has been getting healthy and fit. He always encourages me to go to the gym on days when I'm feeling lazy (and he does it in a sweet, motivating way, I promise!). He knows my goal, and he helps push me. And he compliments me on my progress. When he notices changes, he lets me know how proud he is of me. And that is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

7. Why so serious?!
Don't be so serious with your partner. I really don't think anyone should have any insecurities in their relationship. If you do, that's a HUGE red flag, and I think maybe you need to rethink a few things. (If those insecurities are self inflicted, talk to your partner about them, maybe they can help you work through them!) Be a goofball, don't feel like you are going to embarrass yourself. Your partner should be your comfort-zone, your "safe place". You shouldn't have to withhold things for fear of being judged. If your partner judges you, then that is not the person for you.

8. Kiss daily, and say "I love you"... A LOT.
I read somewhere that most couples only kiss 3-4 times a week. A FREAKING WEEK. That's outrageous. Kiss your partner as often as you can (if you don't like kissing in public, that's fine. I'm not too keen on that either), but even just a simple peck on the cheek would suffice. We are in the habit of just a peck before either of us leaves the other (like before I leave the house to go to the gym, or he leaves to go to band practice).
I also tell Jacob that I love him as much as I can. Not in a creepy, psychotic fan-girl stalker kind of way, but I'll send him a text at work and just say "I love you! Hope you're having a good day!", and honestly, most of the time when I send that is exactly when he needs it, and vice-versa when he does the same for me. You never really know the impact of how a simple "I'm thinking about you" can improve their day or mood.

I'm sure I can think of more things, but I'd like to know what YOUR key to a successful, happy marriage is? What would you add to the list?