This is a topic I have been wanting to write about for a while. It is a touchy subject with some, and my intention is not to offend anyone, but to inform and educate people who I consider friends. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind on any such beliefs, but I hope those who I consider friends will not think differently of me because of choices I have made.
Not many people know this, but about this time last year, I officially had my name removed from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I can honestly say, that for me, this was one of the biggest decisions I have ever made. And one that I have never regretted whatsoever. This choice has actually left me more at ease and relaxed with life than I have ever been my entire life.
For those of you who have known me for many years, this may come as a shock to you. This was not an overnight decision. All through high school, I had unshakable faith. I attended church meetings and seminary religiously, and went to any and all activities. My senior year of high school was when I started to not so much "question" my faith, but was when I started to try to figure out if I was in it for myself, or because my friends and family were. I did what I was always counseled to do, when in doubt, turn to scripture and prayer, which I did religiously anyways.
Later, I was married in the temple, and attended the temple every so often (maybe once a year at that). After marrying, our church attendance plummeted dramatically. I was embarrassed to go to church because I didn't know anyone. I didn't have anyone to wake me up every Sunday morning and tell me to go to church. It was my responsibility at that point, and I didn't try very hard. Was my faith shaken at that point? No, not really. I was just lazy.
Shortly before my first husband passed away, we started making a point to regularly attending church, and we started doing really well. After he passed away, I was immediately back to 100% attendance. When everything was falling apart, I turned to church, because that's what I was supposed to do. That's what I felt everyone expected me to do. But to be completely honest, I had never felt so lonely in my life. Let me explain why.
Growing up in the church, we are taught to serve and love and help those in need as much as possible. No matter what struggle was happening in someone's life, there was generally a sign-up sheet going around for people to step up and help out whatever way they could. This was something that I had always appreciated. But for some reason, when I was the one receiving the "service", I felt like a charity case. I'm not saying any service or anyone's willingness to help was ever in vain or was fake at all, I don't think that. I believe it was all out of the goodness of their hearts and entirely genuine, I just never thought I would find myself on the receiving end of the service needed, and it was weird.
To continue with my story...The week before Tyler had passed, I had never prayed so hard in my life. I looked back on my life a lot and did a LOT of soul searching. I had never committed any serious sins. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't feel as though I had ever done anything to where I deserved to go through so much pain and personal turmoil. I prayed until I made myself sick, for just a glimpse of hope. Nothing. I was so angry with "God". I didn't understand why someone who loved his "children" so much, and had such infinite power, couldn't do something as simple as saving my [at the time] husband. (Obviously looking at where my life is now, I wouldn't change a single thing.)
I went through phases of being fine, then phases of being depressed and angry. I kept attending church and temple sessions as often as I could. I recall on my last temple visit, I was sitting there in tears just before I was about to leave. I felt so incredibly lonely. I felt absolutely nothing. Empty. I realized this was no coincidence. I realized that I had been (for lack of a better word) "brainwashed". The human brain is such a powerful thing, and can make you believe or feel anything you want. And if something feels good, it's something you're going to yearn after. It didn't feel good anymore.
Rather than looking to my scriptures and praying for an answer, which I had done before, I realized I have never received an answer. Every answer I "thought" I was given, was just an interpretation of what I felt could have been related to the problem at the present time. I realized that everything I had ever felt or believed was an interpretation of what I felt, or needed to hear.
So after contemplating for a good solid year, I made the decision to remove my name from the records. Like I said this is nothing I had regretted. This decision was not influenced by anyone, or anything. Only the true feelings of my heart. And to be completely honest, I have never been happier. I have no rules to live by, other than my own. I have my own standards and values set in place, that are none other than my own. And what do I believe in now? Myself and my family. Love and compassion. I believe in being a good person for the sake of being a good person, not because I feel like I am going to get a reward in some theoretical afterlife. I believe in honesty and generosity. I believe that human kind is not meant to be "bridled" or withdrawn from the world, that is inevitable. Do I believe in "God"? No. I can honestly say that I don't. I don't believe that there is someone of a higher power who has all control to do whatever their "will" is. I believe in coincidence. I believe in nature, and the science of naturalism. I don't believe in a higher power what so ever, and I am completely 100% alright with this realization.
Like I said, I hope that people who I consider friends do not think badly of me. Do not feel sorry for me, there is no reason. This post really is not a need to justify any of my actions, just a way to explain to people who honestly just did not know. If you are offended, or feel that you can no longer be my friend, I feel sorry for you. To those of you who have stuck around even after knowing all of the above, thank you for being the truest, most genuine friend I could ask for.
**NOTE** I do not have anything against the Mormon religion, or anyone who practices faithfully. I still love and respect all of my religious friends. I am more open minded now than I have ever been, and still love and care for you all individually.
