I've been up since 3:45am this morning (because our morning manager is stuck in Denver, so my boss ever so kindly gave me the option to open the gym this morning. Lucky for me, Jake wakes up at 3:30 for work, so he made sure I got my lazy butt out of bed.) but the nice thing about working so early, is the fact that I get off work at 12:30pm and still have a lot of my day left. And I also will actually get to spend some time with Jake as well! So it's a WIN WIN situation, minus that fact that I am already super tired, but I can nap when I get home.
OH! Before I forget, I posted about my "loaded" burgers I was thinking of making last night. We ended up not having a BBQ with friends over, we just cooked the two of us. But I made some AWESOME burgers. Here's the recipe:
(this makes 2 burger patties)
1 tbsp minced garlic
1 tbsp butter
3/4 c diced bacon (I diced it before I fried it up)
1/4 c Cilantro
1 Jalapeno (minced)
1/2-1 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
2 tsp Paprika
1/2lb - 1 lbs ground beef (depending on how big you want your burger)
Salt & Pepper (as desired)
Melt butter in a skillet and saute garlic and jalapeno. Once garlic starts browning, add in bacon and fry until thoroughly cooked. Add all remaining ingredients in a medium sized bowl and mix well (I used my hands to make sure everything was mixed in the ground beef pretty evenly. Form into preferred sized patties and grill or pan fry to desired doneness. (You can also add grated cheese to the meat to give it an already cheesy taste).
These burgers were fantastic! Definitely going to make them again for Jake and his friends :)
Anyways, this post may be a little long. When I get up early, I end up with a lot of thoughts in my head for some odd reason.
I calculated it this morning, and I am 2 weeks away from the second trimester of my pregnancy. Which seems crazy because I feel like I haven't been pregnant for that long, but it also feels like it's flying by. It's insane to think in about 28 ish weeks, I am going to be a mother. WOW. Talk about a humbling thought. I have always, ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, so I was no where near disappointed when we found out. At the same time, I was surprised because for a while I thought I couldn't get pregnant. Many of you know that I was married before, and 6 months before Tyler passed away, we started trying for children, but nothing worked. I did get a little disheartened. And doctors told me when he was in the hospital, that he was more than likely sterile, but I couldn't help but feel a little guilty of us not being able to conceive either. Everything happens for a reason, and there was a reason it didn't happen. And there's a reason why it's happening now, with Jake, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Speaking of, Friday will be one year since Tyler's passing. And this last year has definitely been a whirlwind. I am definitely not where I thought I would be, but who ever is? You can't plan out your life detail after little detail, because sometimes there is so much more in store for you. I learned that the hard way. But I've learned to also never take anything for granted. A lot of things have changed since then too. I've changed a lot. And sadly, there are a lot of people who don't like the changes I've made. Personally, if you can't be happy with the fact that I am not still "moping" over my loss, and the fact that I am genuinely happy for the first time in a while, then you have no business being a part of my life. I've had to cut a lot of people out of my life because when I would do something they didn't approve of, they would tell me. They always said "I'm not judging you, I'm disappointed in you". The fact that you have a negative opinion about anything regarding myself is in fact a judgement. I'm sorry if I'm not the person you thought I was, but things are not the way I thought they were going to be. I'm living life with the tools that I've been given, and frankly, I don't give a damn what you think. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but it's the God honest truth. I love my life. I have zero regrets about anything because I wouldn't be the strong, independent woman I am today if I hadn't made mistakes or taken risks. Do I miss Tyler? Yes, absolutely. But I have accepted the fact that he is gone and that I have to move on. If there's one thing that I learned most importantly from this experience, it's that life is short. I can't sit around being depressed all the time about something that is/was 100% out of my control. I haven't had ONE "What if?" thought, because that's a waste of time. There was nothing I could do and it was his time to go. I'm sorry some people still have a hard time grasping that concept, but that is life. It's short. We live, we die, the end. Death is just as natural as birth. Yes, it is a sad thing when someone so young has their life cut short, but it's supposed to be that way, otherwise it wouldn't have happened. I'm not heartless, I'm realistic. It's helped me cope. It's helped me understand. It's helped me pick myself up from my lowest low, and start climbing to the top again.
Nothing in this life is guaranteed. I may not be the religious girl I once was, but I feel more spiritual than anything. I feel more in tune with myself now more than ever. I feel calm, at ease, and at peace with the world. What I went through was no easy task, no walk in the park, but I was meant to go through that for a reason. I firmly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Was I meant to learn something? Was I meant to grow from this? Was I meant to inspire someone, be their rock? I have no idea the reasoning, but I am grateful at who I have become because of this. I didn't let it beat me, I didn't let it take over my life and tear me down. I embraced it, accepted it, and carried on. Which is so much easier said than done. But I hope that throughout this, I was able to be a support for someone. An inspiration I guess.
And the beautiful thing about this, I don't get sad, upset, or angry easily anymore. Life's too short to fuss, and get worked up over silly things that won't matter tomorrow.
Ok, done with my rant. Hope everyone has a fabulous day!
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