Aspirations

I've always been that person who has never really done extraordinary. I've just kind of flowed through like doing my thing, not really standing out but not really fitting in either. I've never been one to have big dreams or aspirations, I've been content with things the way they are.

Well, that is all about to change.

These last four months I have been pretty dedicated to nutrition and fitness. I've been seeing and experiencing some pretty killer results thus far. I decided at the beginning of the year I was wanting to compete in a figure competition in the winter or spring of 2016.

Today, I changed my mind and decided to shoot for September 2015.

I posted on Facebook about my decision to pick this date. I was stoked on life! Once I pressed "POST", I nearly shit a brick. This is a HUGE commitment. And I just let everyone know about it. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Immediately I started having doubts. What if I'm not ready in time? What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

I finally got my head on straight after talking to a few close friends and my mom (who are all SO excited for me). I got this! I'm shooting for the stars, but I'm already half way there! Plus, I've got a solid 6 months (24 weeks) until the competition to get my nutrition and workout routines nailed down so I don't have to rush things. I've got such a great momentum going right now, and I just have to roll with it!

I have such HUGE support system right now and I am so grateful for everyone who believes in me!

For the next 12 weeks I am going to focus on cutting my body fat and leaning out to see what areas I need to focus on more for the following 12 weeks after that.

I barely have an idea of what I am getting myself into, but I can't wait!!



This photo was taken last week (3/3/15), I'll add more progress photos as I go on.
(Ignore my no make-up, just out of the shower look...)

Living With Loss

At some point in your life, you're going to lose someone close to you. It sucks to say, but it's inevitable. Death is inevitable and natural, just as natural as birth. It is the one guaranteed event that everyone will eventually experience in their life. Does knowing that it's guaranteed make it easier to deal with? Absolutely not. And everyone copes differently. There is no rule book, no guidelines how to live with it, you just endure it.

I don't blog about this much, but I've been thinking about my first husband a lot lately. I talk about him all the time, but last night while laying in bed struggling to fall asleep, it hit me: I miss him. I haven't had that realization in a long time. I know that I have felt the feeling of missing him, but I hadn't acknowledged that feeling. Having remarried and Crete a new life, I think I have subconsciously suppressed that feeling for fear of feeling "unfaithful" for the lack of a better word. I know that my husband now is so selfless and listens to my stories about Tyler without complaining. He never shows any signs of jealousy when I talk about him or when I come across something of his or old photos. His attitude on the whole circumstance is beyond his years. He understand that I still love Tyler, but he also knows that I love him, and he's comfortable with that, and I am so incredibly grateful for.

I don't know how to explain feeling "unfaithful" to Jake for missing Tyler. It's not really unfaithful, I think it just feels uncomfortable. Would I trade one for the other? No, because that's not possible and I know that. I don't dwell on "what ifs" because they're pointless and just fairy tales. 

So if I have any readers who have experienced the loss of a significant other, rest assured that moving on is not a sign of forgetting or discounting your past. It's okay to move on and find happiness for yourself. It's okay to miss your lost loved one if you're in a new relationship. I wish someone would have told me that, having been a 21 year old widow. I had no idea how to deal with those feelings. I put so much pressure on myself to move on when I was ready and do things for myself, that I basically gave everyone (family and friends) 'the finger' and did what I thought was right. I suppressed emotions and feelings I should have faced head on. I rebounded too quickly, I hurt myself and others. I wish I would have slowed down, but if I would have, would I be where I am now? Who knows? I sure don't, and I don't want to find out.

I lost Tyler 5 years ago this July, and even though I've been remarried for 3 years this July and I have two beautiful baby boys, that's loss still stings daily, and I'm at peace with that sting. It makes me feel real. It reminds me that in still alive and that I'm capable of feeling. It makes me so much more grateful for each moment I have with my boys and with Jake. That sting keeps me grounded and rational. My relationship with reality is grounded. I am grounded. And it feels so right.

New Year, New Post

Resolutions are a funny thing. Everyone makes them whether you call them "resolutions" or not. 

I've been thinking about some things I would like to accomplish this year. I decided to set goals that are attainable, and that will help me become a better person overall. Yeah, I'd like to lose weight or be healthier, but I'm working on making that a lifetime habit, so that didn't make the list. Below are a few things I plan on "resolutioning" throughout the year:

1. Read more (at least one novel a month). I honestly cannot remember the last time I even picked up a book, and I'm ashamed of that. Starting next week, I'm heading down to my local library, setting up a library card and hitting the books!

2. Listen more, speak less.

I always have something to say, and it really bothers me. I've inherited my dad's communication skills which is not a bad thing! But I feel that I can learn so much more by just listening rather than talking.

3. Capture more memories (take more photos).

I dusted off my camera close to the end of last year and actually started using it more. I need to do that year round. Book a few photo shoots for those that want them, and just capture the day to day moments that happen under my own roof that are easily forgettable. And starting some physical photo albums wouldn't be a bad idea either.

4. Purge the clutter!

Lately I've been in the habit of getting rid of things that we haven't used in the last year. I need to keep doing this, because it's amazing how much crap you accumulate without realizing it! And seeing how we live in a 900 sq/ft house, any extra space we can spare is crucial!

5. Slow down!

I have such a bad habit of rushing through my days and stressing out over time. Time is valuable. I need to slow down and take in every minute of very day that I can.

6. Be the employee that I would hire.

I find it appropriate to have a work related goal. I'm not saying that I'm not that way now, but I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I know what I need to work on, and my goal is to improve those weaknesses as much as possible.

7. Fall in love with my husband everyday.

It's so easy to lose that "loving feeling" after being married for a few years and having a couple of kids. We celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in July. It's easy to put your spouse on the back burner and put kids first. I'm working on this forever.

8. Increase optimism.

It's really easy to get caught up in the news and all of the negative shit happening in the world. I hate that! There is just as much positivity as there is negativity happening in this world. I hope to focus on the happy moments more so this year (and every year).

9. BLOG MORE! ----duh!

This is all I've come up with for now. I'm sure I'll think of more later, but I hope good things come to all of you in 2015!

xo

Changes

CHANGE / verb (used without object), changed, changing.

to become different.

Change is something we can’t always control. I actually like change more so than not. Obviously depending on the circumstance will determine how exactly I embrace the change, but sometimes it can lead to something exciting. Whether that “excitement” comes short term or long term, you always have to look at the bigger picture.

There are a few changes happening in the Smith household. All for the better, all exciting in their own way.

Baby V is not so much of a “baby” anymore. The last few weeks he has been walking like crazy. I love the little “baby step stomps” as the try to maneuver around. And trying to watch him balance his oversized noggin is quite entertaining.

ALSO: V turns ONE in a month. WHERE DID THIS YEAR GO? (Insert crying emoticon face)

Caige is talking like crazy. He currently loves apples, cookies, and anything dinosaurs. He knows his ABC’s, colors, shapes, and numbers 1-10. Potty training is still a battle (go figure). And this little stink is going to be THREE in February. WOAH.

Jake just started a new job! He is currently working at the sugar beet factory. It’s an insane schedule right now, working upwards of 4 – 12 hour shifts, rotating from days to nights. It’s going to be hell until February, but it will be worth it in the long run. My dad has worked for this company for the last 10 years, and I have no doubts this change will be for the better.

As for myself, I have a bit of a job change as well! I’ve been with a property management company for almost the last three years. I started off as a Showing Agent, showing our available rentals and what not, and then while I was pregnant with V, I was transferred into the Leasing department, where I processed tenancy applications and signed leases. As of October 1^st, I am now a part of the Maintenance Team as a Maintenance Coordinator. It’s definitely different from everything I have done before, but it’s a good change, and it keeps me learning all the different aspects of my job.  

The biggest change for our family recently has probably been my parents and some of my siblings decision to re-join the LDS church. This has been kind of a sensitive subject for me. It is a decision that they made based on what they believe is best for them. I am supportive of their decision, but I will not be joining them. I’ve been there and I know that it is not for me. My beliefs are my own, but I have no desire or need to participate in organized religion, which I firmly do not believe in.

Religion is such a touchy subject with just about everyone. Where I am at in my life, I do not know about a lot of things, and I probably won’t. Call me ignorant, but I am not going to actively pursue trying to “know” when there is no physical evidence of such, and I am completely content with not knowing. I don’t have to know, and that’s okay! But I can’t live blindly on faith. Kudos to those who can, I applaud you. But after having my own experiences, I can’t and won’t do it. I’ve invested time and energy into faith in the past, and now I and devoting that time and energy into my family and into just finding my own happiness.

I’m sure there are people who were hoping I would be there right along with my parents, getting re-baptized and becoming a member again.  I’m not sorry to say that it’s not going to happen, and I don’t anticipate that it ever will. I’m sorry those people feel disappointed, but I’m not sorry for my decision. It’s hard to not sound stubborn and say “and that’s the way it’s going to be” or “it’s my choice, and that’s that”, but that’s exactly how it is.

Closure

As you read this post, please keep an open mind. You may believe the experience I am about to share with you, or you may be a complete skeptic. Whatever your thoughts or feelings are, they are fine and justifiable. Just please know that my experience is my own, and the peace I found through this has been a long time coming, whether it is reality or completely left up to interpretation or my imagination, I will hold this close to my heart forever.

Last night my parents and I had the incredible opportunity to participate in a group reading with a Medium. I have always loved the idea of someone being able to communicate with someone who has passed on and answer questions we never thought we'd get answers to. But at the same time, it's hard to wrap my head around the idea of it. The idea is beautiful. It can give hope, comfort, and closure. But it can also procure more grief, sadness, and longing of a loved one. Let me explain...

I like to take situations like this with a grain of salt. My belief as far as the "afterlife" is somewhere along the lines of "I honestly don't know how to feel, but the idea is beautiful". I don't believe in a Heaven or a Hell per say, but I don't believe we cease to exist. I think the human energy is too powerful to just dissolve into nothingness once your heart stops beating, but I don't believe we become magical angels or heavenly beings. It's hard for me to even produce a sound theory because I don't know, and I hate assumptions. I think our individual thoughts on afterlife are what feels good to us, because lets be honest, no one wants to stop existing.

Ok, let's continue: My parents and I sat in a group of about 14 people last night with the Medium. I went in with an open mind. I tried not to be skeptical or critical, but I had questions. I didn't want to go in expecting to connect with loved ones who have passed on, but it's hard not to hope!

The Medium started out the session by spritzing some essential oils into the air to heighten senses, and create more of a positive energy through aromatherapy. The oils she had concocted were calming scents. She had us meditate for a minute, and try to center our thoughts and think about which of the loved ones we wanted to communicate with. I could think of two. One of which I was actually scared to come forward. I'll explain why later.

Everyone in the room had loved ones come through, so we all had our own personal reading, which was fun. It was awesome to see everyone get excited and emotional. The aura in the room was very comforting and one of peace. That feeling was intoxicating. I don't remember everything that everyone else experienced, I was too focused on my own experience.

My parents and I had more loved ones come through for us than we thought we were going to. The medium said that they tend to "piggy-back" on each other, one will come forward, then another one, and sometimes more and more can come forward. And sometimes ones who come forward first are one's who's deaths weren't as much of a hardship, so their presence is a "cushion" before someone else comes forward who's death was no so easy to cope with. The first person who came forward wasn't a family member of ours at all. She was actually a very good high school friend's mom who passed away from breast cancer almost 4 years ago. She was almost like a second mom to me during those years. After she came forward, my great grandmother presented herself and had some words for my mom that were very comforting to her, and things were said that my parents needed to hear. My great grandma spoke of Daniel, then the tears began to flow.

Daniel came forward. Things that were said seemed a little generic at first, but the way that the messages were relayed, they seemed so fitting to his personality. At one point, the Medium told us that he kept telling her how "handsome he is". We all laughed. He used to joke about how "hot" and "sexy" he thought he was. We knew it was him. The Medium at one point looked at my dad and said "He says he misses you too." Every day my dad talks to Daniel and tells him that he misses him. The Medium explained that Daniel can hear everything we say to him. Whether it be vocally or in our mind, he can hear our thoughts and he is trying to communicate with us as well, if we just listen.

The Medium turned and looked as me and asked me about the tattoo I was planning on getting in Daniel's memory. Goosebumps. She said he loves the idea of my memorializing him in that way. And he thinks my tattoo idea is, and I quote: "bad ass". Not a doubt in my mind that he would use that exact word. Not in front of my mom of course, but he would tell me that in secret if he could. A few more things were shared from Daniel, and then my grandpa came forward for my dad. Some things were shared from him that I feel my dad needed to hear.

More people came through for others in the room after that. The one person who I wanted to come forward, but also worried about, was Tyler, my first husband. But he hadn't yet. 

I wasn't scared of him, I was scared he was disappointed in me. I have changed so much since his passing, I've made some decisions he may not approve of, and my biggest fear was that he would come forward and just let me have it. But he didn't come forward. Not yet.

The timer went off for the session to end, and the Medium asked if anyone had any questions. My mom raised her hand, and asked if she could sense who Daniel was with, if there was someone else besides the family who had already come forward. The Medium closed her eyes for a few moments and focused. She stated that she felt a male presence. She said he's not very old, he's family, but not a blood relative. She asked if he was like an uncle or a cousin. My dad explained that he was my first husband. She almost looked like she was in shock. She asked if we had been divorced before his passing, I said "no, we were very much married". She apologized for me having to go through that, then focused again. She said that his personality is funny, almost inappropriate (typical Tyler). She said that my marriage to Tyler is completely different than my marriage to Jake. From my interpretation of what she explained, it sounded like she said my marriage to Tyler was more of a goofy, friendly type relationship, and that my marriage with Jake is more of a romance, true love marriage, which is in fact correct. Tyler and I were in love, but it was different than the love Jake and I share. She stated that I had hesitations about getting re-married, which I definitely did. I had no hesitations about marrying Jake, I had hesitations of being 23 and being on my second marriage. I feared the judgments people would have because of it. I feared Tyler would think I moved on too quickly, but she explained that he is completely supportive, and that he still loves me. She asked if I have a son, or sons. I explained that Jake and I have two boys. She said that Tyler watches over the boys and protects them as if they were his own. She also said she saw an image of Jake and I laying in bed, and Tyler snuggling in between us, which made me laugh. That's so Tyler. No boundaries, but I also take that as a symbolism that he feels comfortable maintaining a presence in my life, which I want and need.

After the session was complete, I felt overwhelming peace and comfort. I found my closure, and I feel like my parents found a similar peace. Maybe not as strong as what I felt, but I think they found a good measure of comfort from this experience and hope that they are a little stronger and felt a sense of healing like I did.

Dear Pinterest

Dear Pinterest,

I LOVE YOU! But what girl doesn't, right? We can spend COUNTLESS hours dreaming of our Shabby-Chic weddings, planning our babies nurseries, and finding the most beautiful (and difficult) desserts to serve at the next pot-luck we go to. We pin hair styles we may never achieve, homes we may never own, and dream of places we may never see. We obsess over fit bodies we may never have, clothes we may never own, and crafts that (to be completely honest), we may never master or even attempt.

You are an addiction. Somedays I find myself obsessing over what crafts I’d like to do, how to make my home, my meals (basically MY LIFE) worthy of being pinned by thousands of your followers , and of course, documenting the evidence on Instagram for the world to see how I am the best mom/wife/crafter ever. EVER.

I’ve realized lately, that you are ruining the modern woman. It sets standards entirely too high for house wives, stay-at-home moms and even working moms. It puts us in competition against each other to see how we can be craftier, cleaner, more chic and more “all natural” than each other. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Just because some have more time to make elaborate Pinterest-worthy meals and make your home look like Santa Claus himself vomited the entirety of Christmas Spirit all over your home come the day after Thanksgiving, doesn’t mean they’re a better mom or wife than I am with my cheap Wal-Mart fake ‘Charlie Brown’ tree and Dollar Store ornaments. I know that those who live the life of Pinterest luxury don’t intentionally try to make those of us who don’t, feel small or unworthy. It just happens. But I’m here to stand up for them, saying “don’t feel oppressed, depressed, or whatever “pressed” you can think of. You’re just a strong of a woman, mom, wife, (or man!) as everyone else. Be you. If you have dinner on your table every night, if you sleep comfortably in your bed, and have clothes in your closet, you’re good enough. If you have children and you love them, feed them, and teach them as they grow, you’re good enough. We don’t have to DIY the hell out of every measly little detail of our lives just because ‘Pinterest’ says so.

I've also realized, that due to your ability to create unattainable dreams, you can make one forget to appreciate what we already have. This isn't okay either. I love my simple life, and you are not going to make me forget that. My home tends to be a little cluttered due to my children, my homemade meals are often simple (but super tasty), and my free time can appear lack-luster to some, either spent at the gym or at home with my husband and kids, often playing outside/or inside with Netflix streaming in the background.

So, my dear, Pinterest. I am breaking up with you. 

It’s not me, it’s you. 

XO,
April 

Marriage Survival

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of blog posts and articles floating around with 10 Things He (or She) Needs in a Relationship or How to Be Happy in Marriage, blah blah blah. While parts of those posts are nice and are pretty relevant, there's a lot more to it than just those tips. And I feel like a lot of those "lists" or "do's and don't's" are just a load of crap. Not every piece of advice is going to work for each couple.

First off, the majority of those lists are religious based, which is totally fine, but what about those of us who don't have a religious affiliation or don't believe in a high power? Are our marriages doomed? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Of course, having no affiliation is something that definitely needs to be agreed upon prior to saying the big "I do's".


Ok, with that out of the way, here's what works for me and Jacob. Yes, I know we have been married for barely two years, but our marriage is easy. The way it should be.


1. Make friends with each other's friends, and hang out with them!
This is a pretty big deal. It's so easy to get married and then board yourself up in your little "Newlywed" bubble and completely shut out your friends. I understand that sometimes it is tough finding the time to hang out with friends (especially if you have little ones like we do), but it's important to maintain those friendships outside of your marriage too.

2. You don't have to be with your partner every second, of every minute of free time you have.

I can't stress this enough. Yes, you're married. Yes, you wake up next to each other every day. But no, you don't have to be with them every single second of every single day. Both of you need your own personal time to develop and to maintain a sense of individuality. I think a lot of people "lose themselves" in their relationships. It happens more often than not, but you need alone time too, and so does your partner. Whether it's just going to the gym for an hour a day, a dinner out with girl friends (or guy friends for you husbands), you both need that. And your friends need you too.


3. It's okay to be upset, and if you are, fight fair. AND ALWAYS APOLOGIZE.
Jacob and I have never had a "fight". We've never come to blows or yelled at each other. BUT, we do have days where we get upset with each other. It's completely healthy to have bad or off days in a marriage or relationship, but know where you stand, and try to express your frustration without being offensive or attacking. Everyone has their own fighting style. Jacob and I tell each other when we're having a bad day, and if we feel like talking or venting, we do that. If we need a break, we give each other that space until we've cooled off. Don't let your ego get the best of you. If you know you're wrong, admit it. If you're being an asshole, just apologize. I have days where I'm feisty and I can't help but be short with every response. It's normal. Just be sure to always apologize when you're at fault.
My first husband and I fought a lot, and we were good at it. We took cheap shots, hurt each other's feelings (more often than not), said things we regretted, and it sucked. I hated it. I hate fighting, it's just not in my nature, but it was just one of the only ways I could communicate with him. Unfortunately our marriage ended due to him passing from health problems, but if that wouldn't have happened, I can honestly say I don't think things would have lasted because of that. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. But really, if you're going to fight, do it fairly, okay?

4. What happens in your relationship, STAYS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Social media is ruining the sanctity of marriages left and right. I cannot tell you how much I HATE seeing couples bash each other publicly. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I'm a firm believer that no one needs to know if you and your significant other are fighting. And it ESPECIALLY does not need to be posted on Facebook. If you have an issue with them, TALK TO THEM. I also believe that you and your significant other's sex life is personal. That doesn't need to be on Facebook either, and doesn't need to be a topic of discussion. The only time I really discuss anything regarding my sex life is with CLOSE girlfriends, and it's usually just asking questions, because to be honest, I'm hardly experienced. I'm not afraid to admit that, and I'm still learning things, and sometimes it's just easier to ask a girl. Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it at one point or another, everyone wants it at one point or another, but it doesn't need to be advertised.

5. Don't stop dating!
I see dating/courting as a tip on a lot of marriage articles, and yes I AGREE! Go on dates, as often as you can! Dates don't have to be expensive or fancy. For me, Jacob and I carpool to/from work every day. This is alone time we get away from the kids, that we wouldn't get otherwise. Sometimes, we like to get fancy and get gas station coffee (for a whopping $3!) on the way (if we're not late...). We cuddle and watch netflix after the kids go to bed. Actually, one of our favorite date nights is at home. Every Friday night, after work I go to the gym, and on my way home I stop and get a Little Caesar's pizza and a Redbox movie, and we watch the movie after the boys go to bed. It's cheap, it's easy, we don't have to find a babysitter, and it's something that we look forward to almost every week. Once in a while we will actually get a real "date night" out. We tend to go to local shows and get drinks with friends. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, we definitely don't take that time for granted.

6. Be your partner's biggest fan!
I think this is mine and Jacob's strongest attribute. We support each other in all of our individual endeavors! Example: his band. I try to go to as many shows as I possibly can, and I always enjoy watching them play. Seeing how they have developed and improved over the last few years is so amazing, I'm so proud of them! He also cheers me on in whatever thing I seek out. Lately it has been getting healthy and fit. He always encourages me to go to the gym on days when I'm feeling lazy (and he does it in a sweet, motivating way, I promise!). He knows my goal, and he helps push me. And he compliments me on my progress. When he notices changes, he lets me know how proud he is of me. And that is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

7. Why so serious?!
Don't be so serious with your partner. I really don't think anyone should have any insecurities in their relationship. If you do, that's a HUGE red flag, and I think maybe you need to rethink a few things. (If those insecurities are self inflicted, talk to your partner about them, maybe they can help you work through them!) Be a goofball, don't feel like you are going to embarrass yourself. Your partner should be your comfort-zone, your "safe place". You shouldn't have to withhold things for fear of being judged. If your partner judges you, then that is not the person for you.

8. Kiss daily, and say "I love you"... A LOT.
I read somewhere that most couples only kiss 3-4 times a week. A FREAKING WEEK. That's outrageous. Kiss your partner as often as you can (if you don't like kissing in public, that's fine. I'm not too keen on that either), but even just a simple peck on the cheek would suffice. We are in the habit of just a peck before either of us leaves the other (like before I leave the house to go to the gym, or he leaves to go to band practice).
I also tell Jacob that I love him as much as I can. Not in a creepy, psychotic fan-girl stalker kind of way, but I'll send him a text at work and just say "I love you! Hope you're having a good day!", and honestly, most of the time when I send that is exactly when he needs it, and vice-versa when he does the same for me. You never really know the impact of how a simple "I'm thinking about you" can improve their day or mood.

I'm sure I can think of more things, but I'd like to know what YOUR key to a successful, happy marriage is? What would you add to the list?

New Normal

nor·mal

  [nawr-muhl]  

adjective

1.

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

2.

serving to establish a standard.

I hate the word "normal". After experiencing a loss, nothing is "normal". Everything changes. You change, as the survived. Your everyday though processes change. How you go about your day changes. The way that we have to press on feels unnatural, but we have to. People change the way that they treat you. We have to adjust to a new normal. We have to adjust to living with a part of our heart wounded. And that part of our heart doesn't actually ever heal, its always there, it just becomes a part of us. Do we always show our wounds? No, not necessarily. Some days those wounds are a little more tender, a little more sensitive, and some days we don't notice them at all. No day is normal. Everyday is different, but we are still here. 

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Life in the Smith household has remained somewhat "normal", for the sake of our boys. Trying to keep consistent routines for young ones is hard, but Caige and Valon have been wonderful distractions for us, and they bring so many smiles to struggling family members. I don't think that their timing in being born could have been anymore perfect.

Caige is officially two years old! And he makes it VERY clear that he is not a baby anymore. Not so much with words, but with his actions. He's such a goofy, fun loving kid. I love watching him play and interact with his surrounds. He is a kid of very few words, but watching him in deep thought is astonishing. His problem-solving skills are impeccable. He surprises us daily with the things he figures out to do on his own at such a young age.

Valon is still the cutest, happiest baby. I've never been around a happier baby. He is almost always smiling and cooing. He loves to look at faces, loves to be talked to, and loves to talk back! The way he looks at Caige (when he slows down long enough for Valon to focus on him) is adorable. You can tell there is so much love between those two already. I can only hope that love lasts, and that they develop a strong friendship.

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My family is doing the best that we can. My parents, siblings and I have been seeing a counselor over the last few weeks, and I feel it has been very helpful. My intention of going was more-so to be a support for my parents and my siblings, but I find myself benefiting from each session. I've realized that I need to better my relationship with my siblings (more specifically my younger sisters). I need to be a better example to them. I need to be someone they can come talk to when it's hard to talk to mom or dad. I want to be better friends with them in general. I hate how easy it is to talk down to siblings, or to shove them off because they're being "annoying". That comfort level you have with family is great, but at the same time, you never know when things can change. My family has a much better understanding of that now. Every time I see any of my family members, we always hug and tell each other we love each other, because you really never know when the last time is you'll be able to say that. 

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Change of subject now...

Ever since Valon was born, I have been back in the gym trying to get healthy again. My intention for sharing this isn't to brag about my progress, but to hopefully inspire! My mom and I have been working out together consistently for the last 3 months, and we are in the best shape we have ever been in! My mom so far has lost about 30 lbs, and I as 20 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. I feel fantastic, and I feel so healthy! I've cut out pretty much all processed foods, all fast food, and workout at least 5 times a week. I do still indulge, but those times are rare. Jake has been super supportive, and has been working out and eating healthier along with me! His goal is obviously to gain weight and bulk up a bit, but his progress has been great as well!

Here's a progress pic thus far

December 28th - Janurary 24th

I'm currently on Week 7 of the Jamie Eason Live Fit Trainer program. I absolutely love it so far! (Click the link to view the free program! I highly recommend it!)

"We are going to be okay"

I apologize for not having blogged in the last few weeks. My family going through a bit of a tragedy right now.

Two weeks ago, there was a tragic school bus accident. My 11 year old baby brother, Daniel, was on that bus, and he didn't make it.



This has to be the hardest thing my family has had to go through. I would probably even say harder than losing my first husband 3 1/2 years ago. The only reason I say this is harder, is because I watched Tyler suffer in the hospital for a week and it go to a point where I just hoped he would go, for the sake of relieving his suffering, because if he would have been able to recover from that, he wouldn't have been the same. I would say that it was Tyler's time.

Daniel was taken from us. I honestly do not believe that it was his time. It shouldn't ever be any child's time. Granted, everyone will die at some point, it's inevitable. But 11 years old? I can't believe that. I refuse to.

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The funeral was difficult, no service ever is. I offered to speak at the service, because I felt it was necessary for a family member to say a few words, and I knew my parents wouldn't be able to. I had written some notes down, and had a general outline of words that I wanted to say, and when I got up to the microphone, I lost it. I cried the entire time, but I talked. I didn't read a single word that I wrote down. I looked at my parents with tears streaming down all of our faces, and I told them: "We are going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, or a year from now, but eventually, we are going to be okay." I don't remember exactly what I said after that, but words flowed from my mouth without my control. I had to stop a few times and compose myself, but everything I said was straight from the heart. 

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Last night was one of the hardest nights for me. I hardly slept. All I did was toss and turn, and cry. It doesn't feel real. Even after seeing his body in a casket, and seeing it placed in the grave, I feel like I'm just waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare. He's not gone, he's just over at a friend's house. That's how it feel to me.  

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Christmas is just a few days away, and no one in my family really feels the Christmas Spirit this year. You can't really blame us. My little sister, Isabell (who is 12 years old and closest in age to Daniel), handed my mom her Christmas list. The first thing on top was "Daniel", and then bullet points of materialized items.. Heartbreaking.

Losing Daniel is hard, but the hardest part about this whole situation is my parents and seeing the agony they are enduring. No one should ever feel the pain they are feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I love my parents so much, and it breaks my heart seeing them like this. But things will get easier to cope with, with time.

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All we need is time. There are no magical words that will make any of our heaviness easier, but I've seen my family come closer together more than ever because of this tragedy, and it's exactly what we need. My family is all I need. My incredible husband, my sweet boys, my amazing parents and siblings, and all of my in-laws and extended family. That's all I need.

Daniel's spirit is still felt very heavily in my parents home. I find myself over there as often as possible trying to feel that. He's still around, I can feel it. And I hope that never goes away.

<3

Two Weeks

I finally got around to taking some photos of V. I wanted to get some sibling photos, but that is going to have to wait. Caige is happily napping, and I'm going to need someone to help tag team the boys to get any decent photos.

Anyways, I got some good ones of V by himself, then decided to try out some "self-timer" photos of the two of us. Enjoy!

Forehead kisses and the arrival

He's finally here! I can't believe that Jake and I are parents of TWO boys. Kids. PLURAL. It still blows my mind. It feels so weird knowing that we are a family of four, but then I realize that I'm almost 25 (and Jake almost 26), so it's not really weird at all.

Anyways, Valon is here, and I am super excited to share his birth story, mostly because there at the end, things weren't exactly working in our favor, but then things changed VERY quickly. Let me explain.


Tuesday evening (November 5th), we were scheduled to check into the hospital about 11:45 pm and I would start being induced somewhere around midnight. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. One of the labor and delivery nurses from the hospital called me about 9:00pm, and told me that they wouldn't have room for me to come in that evening. They were slammed with women having babies! She asked that we just get a good night's rest and come in at 7:00am the next morning. We had already started getting things ready to go down at midnight, so we just changed course and got ready for bed instead. We have planned on dropping off Caige at my parents' house around his bedtime (so we weren't having to transport him around in the middle of the night, and plus that would give Jake and I a few hours alone to potentially nap). Instead, we gave Caige a bath, put on his pajamas, and watched Monsters University until we all fell asleep on the couch. (If you haven't seen Monsters University yet, I highly suggest it! I actually like it better than the first!)

Anyways, we eventually made our way to bed, and I woke up just about every hour, so excited (and NERVOUS!) to have our baby the next day! 5:00am finally rolled around (which was the time I had planned on waking up, and I laid in bed for an extra 20 minutes, feeling V kick, and the mess of butterflies that were almost nauseating. I was definitely more nervous this time around. It's easier to go into a situation not knowing what to expect, but I definitely remember how much labor pains hurt. Granted, I did get the epidural last time, but still. Contractions suck. Period.

We all got ready, dropped Caige off at my mom's house, and headed to the hospital. We ended up being a few minutes late, but they were still pretty slammed, so we weren't even check in to L&D triage until almost 7:45am. Then from there, we didn't even get a delivery room until 10:00am. In the mean time, they drew blood, set me up on the fetal/contraction monitors (to no avail, I was not having any contractions), set me up for my IV, and checked my cervix. Still dilated to 1 1/2cm. How depressing. They last three weekly check-ups at my doctor's office had the same result. My nurse called my doctor and asked that we start the induction process now, since we weren't sure how long it would be until I got settled into a delivery room. My doctor ok'd for everything to begin. We started out with a cervical pill that will help get contractions going, and hopefully get me dilating. This began at 9:30am. 30 minutes later, we were finally heading over to our delivery room, and then contractions started kicking in.

At this point, my mom, dad, and Jake's step mom were all in the delivery room with Jake and I. Conversations were routinely interrupted by everyone cheering during contractions. About noon, the contractions definitely started getting harder. My doctor stopped by and checked my cervix, and I was dilated 3cm. Better than nothing, but I was still disappointed things weren't progressing faster. She had been on call all night delivering babies, so she said she was going to leave for a bit. She had a dentist appointment, and then would come check on me.

More contractions, more pain. Nothing too exciting happened until my doctor came back between 3-3:30pm. She checked my cervix again. Still 3 cm. Bummer. She decided now was the time to break my water to see if we could get things going. She told me she wasn't expecting anything to honestly happen until after 7pm, just because of how slow progress was. If things weren't progressing at that point, she would sign me over to her associate, Dr. King, since she was at the hospital all night. That was completely fine by me. I surprisingly wasn't upset that there was that off chance that she wouldn't get to deliver my baby.

After she broke my water, she gave me the go ahead to get the epidural any time (if I wanted it), which I definitely did. The anesthesiologist was called, and he got it in two tries! (Thank goodness, because with Caige, it took 5 tries. And boy, does that hurt!)

The hospital has actually changed up the way that epidurals are now. They aren't strung up like an IV like in the past. Now, they are attached to the wall, and a very LOW dose of medications is pumped through the spinal catheter. If I needed a little bit more to take the edge off, I had a remote and could control my dosage. I kept it at the lowest setting possible, and honestly, I still felt all of my contractions (I definitely felt the pressure, the pain was subsided, but not completely). I wasn't flying 10,000 ft in the air. I felt comfortable. I didn't feel loopy or paralyzed. It was definitely a nice feeling.

4:30pm rolled around and my contractions had increased in intensity and length, as they got closer and closer together. The nurse checked me one more time, and I was STILL at 3 cm. Seriously, this was killing me! They called me doctor to let her know how intense contractions were, but nothing was progressing. They were unable to reach her, so Dr. King came by to introduce herself and see what options we had. V's head hadn't dropped yet, and his heart rate was starting to dip with each contraction. They discussed giving me a medication to stop contractions completely and give V a break. They discussed inserting a catheter to separate the placenta from the uterus, and if that wasn't going to work. We started discussing a C-section. This conversation carried on until about 4:50pm. Dr. King checked my cervix one last time, just to see where Valon's head placement was, and low and behold, I was dilated to 9 1/2 cm, and was ready to push! I remember feeling the urge to push, but having gotten the epidural, I've always been told you don't feel that natural instinct, but I did, I just didn't say anything because I wasn't sure. The nurses and doctor quickly scrubbed up and got everything ready for me to push. Jake and my dad had gone down to the cafeteria at that time, so my mom called them and they ran as fast as they could back to the room.

4:55pm, my legs were mounted and we were ready to roll. My dad pulled out his phone and started recording everything as my nurse got me into game face mode. She started counting, and I started pushing. Everything was going so smoothly, and next thing I know, Dr. King told me to look down, and there was his head! He looked exactly like Caige! And he was already almost out! One last big push, and this gorgeous, crying little baby was on my chest. 5:01 pm, Valon Cater Smith made his debut. He was perfect. He was beautiful. And I cried more than he did. Forehead kisses, hugs and congratulations were exchanged throughout the room, and I was so excited to be holding our newest little boy in my arms.

We waited until the next morning to bring Caige in to meet his little brother, because the hospital was still so packed with women having babies, we weren't able to settle into our overnight room until 8:30 that night. Introducing Caige to Valon was a little nerve wracking for me. Caige is a toddler, simple as that. He doesn't have a sense of gentleness just yet, so we eased him into it, but he crawled right up on my bed, rubbed Valon's head gently, and rested his head on his and started giggling. He immediately loved him, and my fears were gone instantly!

Adjusting to life as a family of four has definitely been an adjustment for all of us. Caige has since made the adjustment from a crib to a twin size bed, giving him free reign of his bedroom, and also letting him be the "big boy" now, even though he will always be my baby. Valon sleeps soundly in a cradle in our bedroom. Caige is relatively patient for a 21 month old, and he has been great in accepting our changes. I love being a mom of two boys, and look forward to what adventures this will bring us!

Maternity

I love when couples or families do maternity photo shoots. I find them to be adorable, but I never really wanted to do it for myself. Let me rephrase: I always wanted to do one, but I never thought I would actually go through it. I really don't like having my picture taken (by other people), and after having dabbled a bit behind a camera lens, I feel more comfortable being the one photographing, rather than being photographed. After some less than enthusiastic from Jake, I decided we should do it anyways. We don't have any family pictures (professional anyways), so what better time than now?

So, we had our first family/maternity photo shoot a few weeks ago. Here are some of those pictures. Enjoy!

Advice During Pregnancy: Do's and Don'ts (but mostly, don't)

Alright, folks. I'm jumping on my soap box right now. I'm hormonal, but honestly, what pregnant lady isn't? It is SO easy for us to fly off the handle in anger, start bawling at the drop of a hat, or even start laughing so hard we pee ourselves. It's really hard to get a grip on this emotional roller coaster, because we know exactly WHY we are reacting to certain things in a certain manner, but we have no control over it, which is such a bitch to deal with. A movie, a song, or Caige just being super cute and snugly can get me all teary-eyed and emotional. I do tend to get a bit feisty, but it seems to get worse once you're in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

About the time I hit 35 weeks, I was pretty much at my wits-end with being pregnant. I'm done with being uncomfortable. I'm done with have fat, swollen feet that no longer fit in about 98% of my shoes. I'm done with having to pee literally every 20 minutes. I'm done with not being able to fit in my clothes. I'm done with people just looking at me like I look miserable. And of course, while feeling all of these emotions is the time that the vast majority of the female population (ever having been with child or not) feels the need to give you advice on things either they experienced in their own pregnancies, things friends have experienced, or my favorite: things they read in an article. 

I know when people offer advice or try to offer words of comfort, it's completely out of the goodness of their hearts. I don't doubt their intentions on trying to ease my worries or soothe my crummy mood, but there is a time and a place for advice to be given. There are SO many different factors that come into play when a pregnant woman receives advice, and how she takes it. So, I'm putting together my own little "list" of Do's and Don'ts on offering pregnant women (specifically in the latter part of the 3rd trimester) advice.



DO:
-DO give compliments. No matter how swollen my feet or face are, compliments are ALWAYS welcome. Granted, I may say "No way, I'm a whale" or retort with some self-degrading remark, I (and all pregnant women at that) really do love being complimented. It doesn't have to be a compliment regarding our physical appearance, it can really be anything.
-DO tell us we're glowing (when we actually are). It makes us feel like we may actually be enjoying with 9 month road trip from hell.
-DO ask is it is okay to give advice or tell us a story about your pregnancy. Before you start lecturing or offering any sort of insight, make sure the person you're offering it to is in the mood to hear it. If we look stressed, tired, swollen, agitated, or on the verge of tears, just let us be. It'll save us from an embarrassing emotional breakdown, and you won't have to take the brunt of it.

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DON'T:
-DON'T begin your advice with "Well during MY pregnancy..." Honestly, I couldn't give a flying rat's ass about what happened during your pregnancy. Our pregnancies are not the same. We're not related, so anything you have to say about what you went on during your pregnancy is completely irrelevent to mine. What worked for you more than likely won't work for me, so just keep it to yourself. The only person who's advice I actually take into account when comparing pregnancies is my mom's. It's kind of a no-brainer there.
-DON'T tell me what to do. I've read the articles. I've talked to my doctor. And SURPRISE, this is my second pregnancy. I've been down this road before. I know my feet are swollen and I need to elevate them and drink water (which I do so much of that it makes me sick), but don't bully me into taking your advice.
-DON'T tell me your pregnancy/labor horror stories. It's not a contest on who went through the most shit and looks like the better woman because of it. I'm sorry you labored for 36 hours. I'm sorry you had to be on bed rest for 3 months. I'm sorry you were so swollen you had stretch marks on your ankles. I'm sorry your experience was so awful that you feel the need to scare the hell out of me when it comes to mine. If I want to know how terrible your experience was, I will ask you about it. And for my sake, I hope my experience is so much better than yours.
-DON'T give advice on pregnancy if you have never been pregnant. I cannot stress enough how annoying this is. I'm sure your best friend's sister's cousin's adopted grandma twice removed had such a wonderful pregnancy and I'm sure you were super involved and it was almost like you were pregnant with them. I don't give a shit. If a human entity didn't come out of your vagina, keep your lips zipped. And I'm sure that article that you read is super accurate. Trust me, I read PLENTY of articles almost daily on everything I'm experiencing during this pregnancy. I google every symptom I'm having, and I even have my on-call nurse on speed dial. If I need to know something, I will find out, but not from you. Sorry, not sorry.
-DON'T brag. Congratulations, you were in labor for 4 hours and you did it all natural. Do you want to be punched in the face?


I am guilty of offering advice to pregnant girls and swapping stories about the hell we go through to have such an adorable little bundle of joy in our lives, but having experienced this twice has put me more in check when it comes to the things I say and how I say them to other pregnant ladies. Just be aware of how a girl is feeling before opening your mouth. That's really all we're asking. End rant.

Currently Craving

During pregnancy, it's totally normal to have cravings. But I have cravings for different things. Not just food, but so many different things. Whether it's a certain type of music I'm craving to listen to, craving to wear a certain outfit, craving snuggles from my sweetest toddler, craving certain weather, etc. Here's a little insight to my current cravings:

1. Current food craving: Mongolian BBQ

Actually, I've been craving some good, authentic Chinese food. Unfortunately, having grown up in California and being spoiled with some of the best Chinese cuisine, it's hard for me to find satisfaction in the Chinese restaurants here in Idaho. Panda Express doesn't cut it for me. Mongolian BBQ is probably the closest I'm coming to satisfying that hunger. And hopefully I can convince Jacob for us to take a little outing for dinner tonight.

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2. Current music craving: 

These are just a few of the albums that I have been listening to on repeat. I've been really into alternative and acoustic genres more than anything else lately. I was kind of the same way with my pregnancy with Caige too. I actually listened to Acceptance's "Phantoms" album non-stop when I was pregnant with Caige, and he actually LOVES this album. Anytime we are in the car and he starts getting fussy, if we put on this album, he is immediately fine. I feel like he finds this album soothing. It's amazing the power music has, and the science behind pregnancy, since this has soothed him since birth.

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3. Current weather craving: FALL!

 I snapped this photo the other day in downtown Boise. I absolutely LOVE fall and winter time. The transition of the leaves is beautiful. Fall in Boise itself is beautiful! (We aren't called the "City of Trees" for nothing!)

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4. Current activity craving: CLEANING!

I have been nesting like a madman lately. From vacuuming my baseboard, rearranging furniture, and sanitizing my kitchen (cabinets and all!). I constantly find myself picking up Caige's toys after he is done playing with them, and constantly straightening the shoes by our front door. It's ridiculous. But my house is SO clean, and we are so ready for Baby V to make his arrival.