New Normal

nor·mal

  [nawr-muhl]  

adjective

1.

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

2.

serving to establish a standard.

I hate the word "normal". After experiencing a loss, nothing is "normal". Everything changes. You change, as the survived. Your everyday though processes change. How you go about your day changes. The way that we have to press on feels unnatural, but we have to. People change the way that they treat you. We have to adjust to a new normal. We have to adjust to living with a part of our heart wounded. And that part of our heart doesn't actually ever heal, its always there, it just becomes a part of us. Do we always show our wounds? No, not necessarily. Some days those wounds are a little more tender, a little more sensitive, and some days we don't notice them at all. No day is normal. Everyday is different, but we are still here. 

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Life in the Smith household has remained somewhat "normal", for the sake of our boys. Trying to keep consistent routines for young ones is hard, but Caige and Valon have been wonderful distractions for us, and they bring so many smiles to struggling family members. I don't think that their timing in being born could have been anymore perfect.

Caige is officially two years old! And he makes it VERY clear that he is not a baby anymore. Not so much with words, but with his actions. He's such a goofy, fun loving kid. I love watching him play and interact with his surrounds. He is a kid of very few words, but watching him in deep thought is astonishing. His problem-solving skills are impeccable. He surprises us daily with the things he figures out to do on his own at such a young age.

Valon is still the cutest, happiest baby. I've never been around a happier baby. He is almost always smiling and cooing. He loves to look at faces, loves to be talked to, and loves to talk back! The way he looks at Caige (when he slows down long enough for Valon to focus on him) is adorable. You can tell there is so much love between those two already. I can only hope that love lasts, and that they develop a strong friendship.

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My family is doing the best that we can. My parents, siblings and I have been seeing a counselor over the last few weeks, and I feel it has been very helpful. My intention of going was more-so to be a support for my parents and my siblings, but I find myself benefiting from each session. I've realized that I need to better my relationship with my siblings (more specifically my younger sisters). I need to be a better example to them. I need to be someone they can come talk to when it's hard to talk to mom or dad. I want to be better friends with them in general. I hate how easy it is to talk down to siblings, or to shove them off because they're being "annoying". That comfort level you have with family is great, but at the same time, you never know when things can change. My family has a much better understanding of that now. Every time I see any of my family members, we always hug and tell each other we love each other, because you really never know when the last time is you'll be able to say that. 

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Change of subject now...

Ever since Valon was born, I have been back in the gym trying to get healthy again. My intention for sharing this isn't to brag about my progress, but to hopefully inspire! My mom and I have been working out together consistently for the last 3 months, and we are in the best shape we have ever been in! My mom so far has lost about 30 lbs, and I as 20 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. I feel fantastic, and I feel so healthy! I've cut out pretty much all processed foods, all fast food, and workout at least 5 times a week. I do still indulge, but those times are rare. Jake has been super supportive, and has been working out and eating healthier along with me! His goal is obviously to gain weight and bulk up a bit, but his progress has been great as well!

Here's a progress pic thus far

December 28th - Janurary 24th

I'm currently on Week 7 of the Jamie Eason Live Fit Trainer program. I absolutely love it so far! (Click the link to view the free program! I highly recommend it!)

"We are going to be okay"

I apologize for not having blogged in the last few weeks. My family going through a bit of a tragedy right now.

Two weeks ago, there was a tragic school bus accident. My 11 year old baby brother, Daniel, was on that bus, and he didn't make it.



This has to be the hardest thing my family has had to go through. I would probably even say harder than losing my first husband 3 1/2 years ago. The only reason I say this is harder, is because I watched Tyler suffer in the hospital for a week and it go to a point where I just hoped he would go, for the sake of relieving his suffering, because if he would have been able to recover from that, he wouldn't have been the same. I would say that it was Tyler's time.

Daniel was taken from us. I honestly do not believe that it was his time. It shouldn't ever be any child's time. Granted, everyone will die at some point, it's inevitable. But 11 years old? I can't believe that. I refuse to.

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The funeral was difficult, no service ever is. I offered to speak at the service, because I felt it was necessary for a family member to say a few words, and I knew my parents wouldn't be able to. I had written some notes down, and had a general outline of words that I wanted to say, and when I got up to the microphone, I lost it. I cried the entire time, but I talked. I didn't read a single word that I wrote down. I looked at my parents with tears streaming down all of our faces, and I told them: "We are going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, or a year from now, but eventually, we are going to be okay." I don't remember exactly what I said after that, but words flowed from my mouth without my control. I had to stop a few times and compose myself, but everything I said was straight from the heart. 

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Last night was one of the hardest nights for me. I hardly slept. All I did was toss and turn, and cry. It doesn't feel real. Even after seeing his body in a casket, and seeing it placed in the grave, I feel like I'm just waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare. He's not gone, he's just over at a friend's house. That's how it feel to me.  

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Christmas is just a few days away, and no one in my family really feels the Christmas Spirit this year. You can't really blame us. My little sister, Isabell (who is 12 years old and closest in age to Daniel), handed my mom her Christmas list. The first thing on top was "Daniel", and then bullet points of materialized items.. Heartbreaking.

Losing Daniel is hard, but the hardest part about this whole situation is my parents and seeing the agony they are enduring. No one should ever feel the pain they are feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I love my parents so much, and it breaks my heart seeing them like this. But things will get easier to cope with, with time.

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All we need is time. There are no magical words that will make any of our heaviness easier, but I've seen my family come closer together more than ever because of this tragedy, and it's exactly what we need. My family is all I need. My incredible husband, my sweet boys, my amazing parents and siblings, and all of my in-laws and extended family. That's all I need.

Daniel's spirit is still felt very heavily in my parents home. I find myself over there as often as possible trying to feel that. He's still around, I can feel it. And I hope that never goes away.

<3

Two Weeks

I finally got around to taking some photos of V. I wanted to get some sibling photos, but that is going to have to wait. Caige is happily napping, and I'm going to need someone to help tag team the boys to get any decent photos.

Anyways, I got some good ones of V by himself, then decided to try out some "self-timer" photos of the two of us. Enjoy!

Forehead kisses and the arrival

He's finally here! I can't believe that Jake and I are parents of TWO boys. Kids. PLURAL. It still blows my mind. It feels so weird knowing that we are a family of four, but then I realize that I'm almost 25 (and Jake almost 26), so it's not really weird at all.

Anyways, Valon is here, and I am super excited to share his birth story, mostly because there at the end, things weren't exactly working in our favor, but then things changed VERY quickly. Let me explain.


Tuesday evening (November 5th), we were scheduled to check into the hospital about 11:45 pm and I would start being induced somewhere around midnight. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. One of the labor and delivery nurses from the hospital called me about 9:00pm, and told me that they wouldn't have room for me to come in that evening. They were slammed with women having babies! She asked that we just get a good night's rest and come in at 7:00am the next morning. We had already started getting things ready to go down at midnight, so we just changed course and got ready for bed instead. We have planned on dropping off Caige at my parents' house around his bedtime (so we weren't having to transport him around in the middle of the night, and plus that would give Jake and I a few hours alone to potentially nap). Instead, we gave Caige a bath, put on his pajamas, and watched Monsters University until we all fell asleep on the couch. (If you haven't seen Monsters University yet, I highly suggest it! I actually like it better than the first!)

Anyways, we eventually made our way to bed, and I woke up just about every hour, so excited (and NERVOUS!) to have our baby the next day! 5:00am finally rolled around (which was the time I had planned on waking up, and I laid in bed for an extra 20 minutes, feeling V kick, and the mess of butterflies that were almost nauseating. I was definitely more nervous this time around. It's easier to go into a situation not knowing what to expect, but I definitely remember how much labor pains hurt. Granted, I did get the epidural last time, but still. Contractions suck. Period.

We all got ready, dropped Caige off at my mom's house, and headed to the hospital. We ended up being a few minutes late, but they were still pretty slammed, so we weren't even check in to L&D triage until almost 7:45am. Then from there, we didn't even get a delivery room until 10:00am. In the mean time, they drew blood, set me up on the fetal/contraction monitors (to no avail, I was not having any contractions), set me up for my IV, and checked my cervix. Still dilated to 1 1/2cm. How depressing. They last three weekly check-ups at my doctor's office had the same result. My nurse called my doctor and asked that we start the induction process now, since we weren't sure how long it would be until I got settled into a delivery room. My doctor ok'd for everything to begin. We started out with a cervical pill that will help get contractions going, and hopefully get me dilating. This began at 9:30am. 30 minutes later, we were finally heading over to our delivery room, and then contractions started kicking in.

At this point, my mom, dad, and Jake's step mom were all in the delivery room with Jake and I. Conversations were routinely interrupted by everyone cheering during contractions. About noon, the contractions definitely started getting harder. My doctor stopped by and checked my cervix, and I was dilated 3cm. Better than nothing, but I was still disappointed things weren't progressing faster. She had been on call all night delivering babies, so she said she was going to leave for a bit. She had a dentist appointment, and then would come check on me.

More contractions, more pain. Nothing too exciting happened until my doctor came back between 3-3:30pm. She checked my cervix again. Still 3 cm. Bummer. She decided now was the time to break my water to see if we could get things going. She told me she wasn't expecting anything to honestly happen until after 7pm, just because of how slow progress was. If things weren't progressing at that point, she would sign me over to her associate, Dr. King, since she was at the hospital all night. That was completely fine by me. I surprisingly wasn't upset that there was that off chance that she wouldn't get to deliver my baby.

After she broke my water, she gave me the go ahead to get the epidural any time (if I wanted it), which I definitely did. The anesthesiologist was called, and he got it in two tries! (Thank goodness, because with Caige, it took 5 tries. And boy, does that hurt!)

The hospital has actually changed up the way that epidurals are now. They aren't strung up like an IV like in the past. Now, they are attached to the wall, and a very LOW dose of medications is pumped through the spinal catheter. If I needed a little bit more to take the edge off, I had a remote and could control my dosage. I kept it at the lowest setting possible, and honestly, I still felt all of my contractions (I definitely felt the pressure, the pain was subsided, but not completely). I wasn't flying 10,000 ft in the air. I felt comfortable. I didn't feel loopy or paralyzed. It was definitely a nice feeling.

4:30pm rolled around and my contractions had increased in intensity and length, as they got closer and closer together. The nurse checked me one more time, and I was STILL at 3 cm. Seriously, this was killing me! They called me doctor to let her know how intense contractions were, but nothing was progressing. They were unable to reach her, so Dr. King came by to introduce herself and see what options we had. V's head hadn't dropped yet, and his heart rate was starting to dip with each contraction. They discussed giving me a medication to stop contractions completely and give V a break. They discussed inserting a catheter to separate the placenta from the uterus, and if that wasn't going to work. We started discussing a C-section. This conversation carried on until about 4:50pm. Dr. King checked my cervix one last time, just to see where Valon's head placement was, and low and behold, I was dilated to 9 1/2 cm, and was ready to push! I remember feeling the urge to push, but having gotten the epidural, I've always been told you don't feel that natural instinct, but I did, I just didn't say anything because I wasn't sure. The nurses and doctor quickly scrubbed up and got everything ready for me to push. Jake and my dad had gone down to the cafeteria at that time, so my mom called them and they ran as fast as they could back to the room.

4:55pm, my legs were mounted and we were ready to roll. My dad pulled out his phone and started recording everything as my nurse got me into game face mode. She started counting, and I started pushing. Everything was going so smoothly, and next thing I know, Dr. King told me to look down, and there was his head! He looked exactly like Caige! And he was already almost out! One last big push, and this gorgeous, crying little baby was on my chest. 5:01 pm, Valon Cater Smith made his debut. He was perfect. He was beautiful. And I cried more than he did. Forehead kisses, hugs and congratulations were exchanged throughout the room, and I was so excited to be holding our newest little boy in my arms.

We waited until the next morning to bring Caige in to meet his little brother, because the hospital was still so packed with women having babies, we weren't able to settle into our overnight room until 8:30 that night. Introducing Caige to Valon was a little nerve wracking for me. Caige is a toddler, simple as that. He doesn't have a sense of gentleness just yet, so we eased him into it, but he crawled right up on my bed, rubbed Valon's head gently, and rested his head on his and started giggling. He immediately loved him, and my fears were gone instantly!

Adjusting to life as a family of four has definitely been an adjustment for all of us. Caige has since made the adjustment from a crib to a twin size bed, giving him free reign of his bedroom, and also letting him be the "big boy" now, even though he will always be my baby. Valon sleeps soundly in a cradle in our bedroom. Caige is relatively patient for a 21 month old, and he has been great in accepting our changes. I love being a mom of two boys, and look forward to what adventures this will bring us!

Maternity

I love when couples or families do maternity photo shoots. I find them to be adorable, but I never really wanted to do it for myself. Let me rephrase: I always wanted to do one, but I never thought I would actually go through it. I really don't like having my picture taken (by other people), and after having dabbled a bit behind a camera lens, I feel more comfortable being the one photographing, rather than being photographed. After some less than enthusiastic from Jake, I decided we should do it anyways. We don't have any family pictures (professional anyways), so what better time than now?

So, we had our first family/maternity photo shoot a few weeks ago. Here are some of those pictures. Enjoy!

Advice During Pregnancy: Do's and Don'ts (but mostly, don't)

Alright, folks. I'm jumping on my soap box right now. I'm hormonal, but honestly, what pregnant lady isn't? It is SO easy for us to fly off the handle in anger, start bawling at the drop of a hat, or even start laughing so hard we pee ourselves. It's really hard to get a grip on this emotional roller coaster, because we know exactly WHY we are reacting to certain things in a certain manner, but we have no control over it, which is such a bitch to deal with. A movie, a song, or Caige just being super cute and snugly can get me all teary-eyed and emotional. I do tend to get a bit feisty, but it seems to get worse once you're in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

About the time I hit 35 weeks, I was pretty much at my wits-end with being pregnant. I'm done with being uncomfortable. I'm done with have fat, swollen feet that no longer fit in about 98% of my shoes. I'm done with having to pee literally every 20 minutes. I'm done with not being able to fit in my clothes. I'm done with people just looking at me like I look miserable. And of course, while feeling all of these emotions is the time that the vast majority of the female population (ever having been with child or not) feels the need to give you advice on things either they experienced in their own pregnancies, things friends have experienced, or my favorite: things they read in an article. 

I know when people offer advice or try to offer words of comfort, it's completely out of the goodness of their hearts. I don't doubt their intentions on trying to ease my worries or soothe my crummy mood, but there is a time and a place for advice to be given. There are SO many different factors that come into play when a pregnant woman receives advice, and how she takes it. So, I'm putting together my own little "list" of Do's and Don'ts on offering pregnant women (specifically in the latter part of the 3rd trimester) advice.



DO:
-DO give compliments. No matter how swollen my feet or face are, compliments are ALWAYS welcome. Granted, I may say "No way, I'm a whale" or retort with some self-degrading remark, I (and all pregnant women at that) really do love being complimented. It doesn't have to be a compliment regarding our physical appearance, it can really be anything.
-DO tell us we're glowing (when we actually are). It makes us feel like we may actually be enjoying with 9 month road trip from hell.
-DO ask is it is okay to give advice or tell us a story about your pregnancy. Before you start lecturing or offering any sort of insight, make sure the person you're offering it to is in the mood to hear it. If we look stressed, tired, swollen, agitated, or on the verge of tears, just let us be. It'll save us from an embarrassing emotional breakdown, and you won't have to take the brunt of it.

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DON'T:
-DON'T begin your advice with "Well during MY pregnancy..." Honestly, I couldn't give a flying rat's ass about what happened during your pregnancy. Our pregnancies are not the same. We're not related, so anything you have to say about what you went on during your pregnancy is completely irrelevent to mine. What worked for you more than likely won't work for me, so just keep it to yourself. The only person who's advice I actually take into account when comparing pregnancies is my mom's. It's kind of a no-brainer there.
-DON'T tell me what to do. I've read the articles. I've talked to my doctor. And SURPRISE, this is my second pregnancy. I've been down this road before. I know my feet are swollen and I need to elevate them and drink water (which I do so much of that it makes me sick), but don't bully me into taking your advice.
-DON'T tell me your pregnancy/labor horror stories. It's not a contest on who went through the most shit and looks like the better woman because of it. I'm sorry you labored for 36 hours. I'm sorry you had to be on bed rest for 3 months. I'm sorry you were so swollen you had stretch marks on your ankles. I'm sorry your experience was so awful that you feel the need to scare the hell out of me when it comes to mine. If I want to know how terrible your experience was, I will ask you about it. And for my sake, I hope my experience is so much better than yours.
-DON'T give advice on pregnancy if you have never been pregnant. I cannot stress enough how annoying this is. I'm sure your best friend's sister's cousin's adopted grandma twice removed had such a wonderful pregnancy and I'm sure you were super involved and it was almost like you were pregnant with them. I don't give a shit. If a human entity didn't come out of your vagina, keep your lips zipped. And I'm sure that article that you read is super accurate. Trust me, I read PLENTY of articles almost daily on everything I'm experiencing during this pregnancy. I google every symptom I'm having, and I even have my on-call nurse on speed dial. If I need to know something, I will find out, but not from you. Sorry, not sorry.
-DON'T brag. Congratulations, you were in labor for 4 hours and you did it all natural. Do you want to be punched in the face?


I am guilty of offering advice to pregnant girls and swapping stories about the hell we go through to have such an adorable little bundle of joy in our lives, but having experienced this twice has put me more in check when it comes to the things I say and how I say them to other pregnant ladies. Just be aware of how a girl is feeling before opening your mouth. That's really all we're asking. End rant.

Currently Craving

During pregnancy, it's totally normal to have cravings. But I have cravings for different things. Not just food, but so many different things. Whether it's a certain type of music I'm craving to listen to, craving to wear a certain outfit, craving snuggles from my sweetest toddler, craving certain weather, etc. Here's a little insight to my current cravings:

1. Current food craving: Mongolian BBQ

Actually, I've been craving some good, authentic Chinese food. Unfortunately, having grown up in California and being spoiled with some of the best Chinese cuisine, it's hard for me to find satisfaction in the Chinese restaurants here in Idaho. Panda Express doesn't cut it for me. Mongolian BBQ is probably the closest I'm coming to satisfying that hunger. And hopefully I can convince Jacob for us to take a little outing for dinner tonight.

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2. Current music craving: 

These are just a few of the albums that I have been listening to on repeat. I've been really into alternative and acoustic genres more than anything else lately. I was kind of the same way with my pregnancy with Caige too. I actually listened to Acceptance's "Phantoms" album non-stop when I was pregnant with Caige, and he actually LOVES this album. Anytime we are in the car and he starts getting fussy, if we put on this album, he is immediately fine. I feel like he finds this album soothing. It's amazing the power music has, and the science behind pregnancy, since this has soothed him since birth.

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3. Current weather craving: FALL!

 I snapped this photo the other day in downtown Boise. I absolutely LOVE fall and winter time. The transition of the leaves is beautiful. Fall in Boise itself is beautiful! (We aren't called the "City of Trees" for nothing!)

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4. Current activity craving: CLEANING!

I have been nesting like a madman lately. From vacuuming my baseboard, rearranging furniture, and sanitizing my kitchen (cabinets and all!). I constantly find myself picking up Caige's toys after he is done playing with them, and constantly straightening the shoes by our front door. It's ridiculous. But my house is SO clean, and we are so ready for Baby V to make his arrival.