Two weeks ago, there was a tragic school bus accident. My 11 year old baby brother, Daniel, was on that bus, and he didn't make it.
This has to be the hardest thing my family has had to go through. I would probably even say harder than losing my first husband 3 1/2 years ago. The only reason I say this is harder, is because I watched Tyler suffer in the hospital for a week and it go to a point where I just hoped he would go, for the sake of relieving his suffering, because if he would have been able to recover from that, he wouldn't have been the same. I would say that it was Tyler's time.
Daniel was taken from us. I honestly do not believe that it was his time. It shouldn't ever be any child's time. Granted, everyone will die at some point, it's inevitable. But 11 years old? I can't believe that. I refuse to.
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The funeral was difficult, no service ever is. I offered to speak at the service, because I felt it was necessary for a family member to say a few words, and I knew my parents wouldn't be able to. I had written some notes down, and had a general outline of words that I wanted to say, and when I got up to the microphone, I lost it. I cried the entire time, but I talked. I didn't read a single word that I wrote down. I looked at my parents with tears streaming down all of our faces, and I told them: "We are going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, or a year from now, but eventually, we are going to be okay." I don't remember exactly what I said after that, but words flowed from my mouth without my control. I had to stop a few times and compose myself, but everything I said was straight from the heart.
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Last night was one of the hardest nights for me. I hardly slept. All I did was toss and turn, and cry. It doesn't feel real. Even after seeing his body in a casket, and seeing it placed in the grave, I feel like I'm just waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare. He's not gone, he's just over at a friend's house. That's how it feel to me.
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Christmas is just a few days away, and no one in my family really feels the Christmas Spirit this year. You can't really blame us. My little sister, Isabell (who is 12 years old and closest in age to Daniel), handed my mom her Christmas list. The first thing on top was "Daniel", and then bullet points of materialized items.. Heartbreaking.
Losing Daniel is hard, but the hardest part about this whole situation is my parents and seeing the agony they are enduring. No one should ever feel the pain they are feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I love my parents so much, and it breaks my heart seeing them like this. But things will get easier to cope with, with time.
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All we need is time. There are no magical words that will make any of our heaviness easier, but I've seen my family come closer together more than ever because of this tragedy, and it's exactly what we need. My family is all I need. My incredible husband, my sweet boys, my amazing parents and siblings, and all of my in-laws and extended family. That's all I need.
Daniel's spirit is still felt very heavily in my parents home. I find myself over there as often as possible trying to feel that. He's still around, I can feel it. And I hope that never goes away.
<3
