Living With Loss

At some point in your life, you're going to lose someone close to you. It sucks to say, but it's inevitable. Death is inevitable and natural, just as natural as birth. It is the one guaranteed event that everyone will eventually experience in their life. Does knowing that it's guaranteed make it easier to deal with? Absolutely not. And everyone copes differently. There is no rule book, no guidelines how to live with it, you just endure it.

I don't blog about this much, but I've been thinking about my first husband a lot lately. I talk about him all the time, but last night while laying in bed struggling to fall asleep, it hit me: I miss him. I haven't had that realization in a long time. I know that I have felt the feeling of missing him, but I hadn't acknowledged that feeling. Having remarried and Crete a new life, I think I have subconsciously suppressed that feeling for fear of feeling "unfaithful" for the lack of a better word. I know that my husband now is so selfless and listens to my stories about Tyler without complaining. He never shows any signs of jealousy when I talk about him or when I come across something of his or old photos. His attitude on the whole circumstance is beyond his years. He understand that I still love Tyler, but he also knows that I love him, and he's comfortable with that, and I am so incredibly grateful for.

I don't know how to explain feeling "unfaithful" to Jake for missing Tyler. It's not really unfaithful, I think it just feels uncomfortable. Would I trade one for the other? No, because that's not possible and I know that. I don't dwell on "what ifs" because they're pointless and just fairy tales. 

So if I have any readers who have experienced the loss of a significant other, rest assured that moving on is not a sign of forgetting or discounting your past. It's okay to move on and find happiness for yourself. It's okay to miss your lost loved one if you're in a new relationship. I wish someone would have told me that, having been a 21 year old widow. I had no idea how to deal with those feelings. I put so much pressure on myself to move on when I was ready and do things for myself, that I basically gave everyone (family and friends) 'the finger' and did what I thought was right. I suppressed emotions and feelings I should have faced head on. I rebounded too quickly, I hurt myself and others. I wish I would have slowed down, but if I would have, would I be where I am now? Who knows? I sure don't, and I don't want to find out.

I lost Tyler 5 years ago this July, and even though I've been remarried for 3 years this July and I have two beautiful baby boys, that's loss still stings daily, and I'm at peace with that sting. It makes me feel real. It reminds me that in still alive and that I'm capable of feeling. It makes me so much more grateful for each moment I have with my boys and with Jake. That sting keeps me grounded and rational. My relationship with reality is grounded. I am grounded. And it feels so right.

New Year, New Post

Resolutions are a funny thing. Everyone makes them whether you call them "resolutions" or not. 

I've been thinking about some things I would like to accomplish this year. I decided to set goals that are attainable, and that will help me become a better person overall. Yeah, I'd like to lose weight or be healthier, but I'm working on making that a lifetime habit, so that didn't make the list. Below are a few things I plan on "resolutioning" throughout the year:

1. Read more (at least one novel a month). I honestly cannot remember the last time I even picked up a book, and I'm ashamed of that. Starting next week, I'm heading down to my local library, setting up a library card and hitting the books!

2. Listen more, speak less.

I always have something to say, and it really bothers me. I've inherited my dad's communication skills which is not a bad thing! But I feel that I can learn so much more by just listening rather than talking.

3. Capture more memories (take more photos).

I dusted off my camera close to the end of last year and actually started using it more. I need to do that year round. Book a few photo shoots for those that want them, and just capture the day to day moments that happen under my own roof that are easily forgettable. And starting some physical photo albums wouldn't be a bad idea either.

4. Purge the clutter!

Lately I've been in the habit of getting rid of things that we haven't used in the last year. I need to keep doing this, because it's amazing how much crap you accumulate without realizing it! And seeing how we live in a 900 sq/ft house, any extra space we can spare is crucial!

5. Slow down!

I have such a bad habit of rushing through my days and stressing out over time. Time is valuable. I need to slow down and take in every minute of very day that I can.

6. Be the employee that I would hire.

I find it appropriate to have a work related goal. I'm not saying that I'm not that way now, but I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I know what I need to work on, and my goal is to improve those weaknesses as much as possible.

7. Fall in love with my husband everyday.

It's so easy to lose that "loving feeling" after being married for a few years and having a couple of kids. We celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in July. It's easy to put your spouse on the back burner and put kids first. I'm working on this forever.

8. Increase optimism.

It's really easy to get caught up in the news and all of the negative shit happening in the world. I hate that! There is just as much positivity as there is negativity happening in this world. I hope to focus on the happy moments more so this year (and every year).

9. BLOG MORE! ----duh!

This is all I've come up with for now. I'm sure I'll think of more later, but I hope good things come to all of you in 2015!

xo