First off, the majority of those lists are religious based, which is totally fine, but what about those of us who don't have a religious affiliation or don't believe in a high power? Are our marriages doomed? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Of course, having no affiliation is something that definitely needs to be agreed upon prior to saying the big "I do's".
Ok, with that out of the way, here's what works for me and Jacob. Yes, I know we have been married for barely two years, but our marriage is easy. The way it should be.
1. Make friends with each other's friends, and hang out with them!
This is a pretty big deal. It's so easy to get married and then board yourself up in your little "Newlywed" bubble and completely shut out your friends. I understand that sometimes it is tough finding the time to hang out with friends (especially if you have little ones like we do), but it's important to maintain those friendships outside of your marriage too.
2. You don't have to be with your partner every second, of every minute of free time you have.
I can't stress this enough. Yes, you're married. Yes, you wake up next to each other every day. But no, you don't have to be with them every single second of every single day. Both of you need your own personal time to develop and to maintain a sense of individuality. I think a lot of people "lose themselves" in their relationships. It happens more often than not, but you need alone time too, and so does your partner. Whether it's just going to the gym for an hour a day, a dinner out with girl friends (or guy friends for you husbands), you both need that. And your friends need you too.3. It's okay to be upset, and if you are, fight fair. AND ALWAYS APOLOGIZE.
Jacob and I have never had a "fight". We've never come to blows or yelled at each other. BUT, we do have days where we get upset with each other. It's completely healthy to have bad or off days in a marriage or relationship, but know where you stand, and try to express your frustration without being offensive or attacking. Everyone has their own fighting style. Jacob and I tell each other when we're having a bad day, and if we feel like talking or venting, we do that. If we need a break, we give each other that space until we've cooled off. Don't let your ego get the best of you. If you know you're wrong, admit it. If you're being an asshole, just apologize. I have days where I'm feisty and I can't help but be short with every response. It's normal. Just be sure to always apologize when you're at fault.
My first husband and I fought a lot, and we were good at it. We took cheap shots, hurt each other's feelings (more often than not), said things we regretted, and it sucked. I hated it. I hate fighting, it's just not in my nature, but it was just one of the only ways I could communicate with him. Unfortunately our marriage ended due to him passing from health problems, but if that wouldn't have happened, I can honestly say I don't think things would have lasted because of that. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. But really, if you're going to fight, do it fairly, okay?
4. What happens in your relationship, STAYS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Social media is ruining the sanctity of marriages left and right. I cannot tell you how much I HATE seeing couples bash each other publicly. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I'm a firm believer that no one needs to know if you and your significant other are fighting. And it ESPECIALLY does not need to be posted on Facebook. If you have an issue with them, TALK TO THEM. I also believe that you and your significant other's sex life is personal. That doesn't need to be on Facebook either, and doesn't need to be a topic of discussion. The only time I really discuss anything regarding my sex life is with CLOSE girlfriends, and it's usually just asking questions, because to be honest, I'm hardly experienced. I'm not afraid to admit that, and I'm still learning things, and sometimes it's just easier to ask a girl. Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it at one point or another, everyone wants it at one point or another, but it doesn't need to be advertised.5. Don't stop dating!
I see dating/courting as a tip on a lot of marriage articles, and yes I AGREE! Go on dates, as often as you can! Dates don't have to be expensive or fancy. For me, Jacob and I carpool to/from work every day. This is alone time we get away from the kids, that we wouldn't get otherwise. Sometimes, we like to get fancy and get gas station coffee (for a whopping $3!) on the way (if we're not late...). We cuddle and watch netflix after the kids go to bed. Actually, one of our favorite date nights is at home. Every Friday night, after work I go to the gym, and on my way home I stop and get a Little Caesar's pizza and a Redbox movie, and we watch the movie after the boys go to bed. It's cheap, it's easy, we don't have to find a babysitter, and it's something that we look forward to almost every week. Once in a while we will actually get a real "date night" out. We tend to go to local shows and get drinks with friends. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, we definitely don't take that time for granted.
6. Be your partner's biggest fan!
I think this is mine and Jacob's strongest attribute. We support each other in all of our individual endeavors! Example: his band. I try to go to as many shows as I possibly can, and I always enjoy watching them play. Seeing how they have developed and improved over the last few years is so amazing, I'm so proud of them! He also cheers me on in whatever thing I seek out. Lately it has been getting healthy and fit. He always encourages me to go to the gym on days when I'm feeling lazy (and he does it in a sweet, motivating way, I promise!). He knows my goal, and he helps push me. And he compliments me on my progress. When he notices changes, he lets me know how proud he is of me. And that is the GREATEST feeling in the world.
7. Why so serious?!
Don't be so serious with your partner. I really don't think anyone should have any insecurities in their relationship. If you do, that's a HUGE red flag, and I think maybe you need to rethink a few things. (If those insecurities are self inflicted, talk to your partner about them, maybe they can help you work through them!) Be a goofball, don't feel like you are going to embarrass yourself. Your partner should be your comfort-zone, your "safe place". You shouldn't have to withhold things for fear of being judged. If your partner judges you, then that is not the person for you.
8. Kiss daily, and say "I love you"... A LOT.
I read somewhere that most couples only kiss 3-4 times a week. A FREAKING WEEK. That's outrageous. Kiss your partner as often as you can (if you don't like kissing in public, that's fine. I'm not too keen on that either), but even just a simple peck on the cheek would suffice. We are in the habit of just a peck before either of us leaves the other (like before I leave the house to go to the gym, or he leaves to go to band practice).
I also tell Jacob that I love him as much as I can. Not in a creepy, psychotic fan-girl stalker kind of way, but I'll send him a text at work and just say "I love you! Hope you're having a good day!", and honestly, most of the time when I send that is exactly when he needs it, and vice-versa when he does the same for me. You never really know the impact of how a simple "I'm thinking about you" can improve their day or mood.
I'm sure I can think of more things, but I'd like to know what YOUR key to a successful, happy marriage is? What would you add to the list?
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