Living With Loss

At some point in your life, you're going to lose someone close to you. It sucks to say, but it's inevitable. Death is inevitable and natural, just as natural as birth. It is the one guaranteed event that everyone will eventually experience in their life. Does knowing that it's guaranteed make it easier to deal with? Absolutely not. And everyone copes differently. There is no rule book, no guidelines how to live with it, you just endure it.

I don't blog about this much, but I've been thinking about my first husband a lot lately. I talk about him all the time, but last night while laying in bed struggling to fall asleep, it hit me: I miss him. I haven't had that realization in a long time. I know that I have felt the feeling of missing him, but I hadn't acknowledged that feeling. Having remarried and Crete a new life, I think I have subconsciously suppressed that feeling for fear of feeling "unfaithful" for the lack of a better word. I know that my husband now is so selfless and listens to my stories about Tyler without complaining. He never shows any signs of jealousy when I talk about him or when I come across something of his or old photos. His attitude on the whole circumstance is beyond his years. He understand that I still love Tyler, but he also knows that I love him, and he's comfortable with that, and I am so incredibly grateful for.

I don't know how to explain feeling "unfaithful" to Jake for missing Tyler. It's not really unfaithful, I think it just feels uncomfortable. Would I trade one for the other? No, because that's not possible and I know that. I don't dwell on "what ifs" because they're pointless and just fairy tales. 

So if I have any readers who have experienced the loss of a significant other, rest assured that moving on is not a sign of forgetting or discounting your past. It's okay to move on and find happiness for yourself. It's okay to miss your lost loved one if you're in a new relationship. I wish someone would have told me that, having been a 21 year old widow. I had no idea how to deal with those feelings. I put so much pressure on myself to move on when I was ready and do things for myself, that I basically gave everyone (family and friends) 'the finger' and did what I thought was right. I suppressed emotions and feelings I should have faced head on. I rebounded too quickly, I hurt myself and others. I wish I would have slowed down, but if I would have, would I be where I am now? Who knows? I sure don't, and I don't want to find out.

I lost Tyler 5 years ago this July, and even though I've been remarried for 3 years this July and I have two beautiful baby boys, that's loss still stings daily, and I'm at peace with that sting. It makes me feel real. It reminds me that in still alive and that I'm capable of feeling. It makes me so much more grateful for each moment I have with my boys and with Jake. That sting keeps me grounded and rational. My relationship with reality is grounded. I am grounded. And it feels so right.